Everybody Gets Ice Cream

Let's get it on

2009-01-17T17:13:00.008-05:00

I thought I would share with everyone my awesome running playlist. Just in the spirit of the FRIGID cold outside. Because without a playlist this awesome, there is no way I would ever ever exercise. And a Catherine who isn't exercising is a Catherine who isn't much fun to be around.

Onward!

Where's the Love (It's a crime that embedding is disabled on that song.)

Creep (Seriously, YouTube -- fail!)

Magic Dance

Forever (YouTube, why aren't you cooperating? I've got things to do.)

Burnin' Up

Right Where You Want Me

Circus (Fine. You win.)

Till I Collapse

Chris Brown and David Bowie are my super husbands. I think that people can take some notes of what awesome music is. Yep.

Exciting Update: I just discovered when taking off my shoes tonight that I have developed this awesome thing!

Runner's Toe

My shoes are apparently too small, so I am going to develop these bad boy blisters UNDERNEATH my toenails until we can afford to buy me new $120 sneakers.

It's so foul.

Marcus drained the blister for me while I cried hysterically because I am deathly afraid of needles. He's a keeper. He has no idea what he is going to have to deal with if I get a Fulbright and we have to get all sorts of inoculations. He might leave me...

'Round the Table questions even though we are just sitting here on the couch by ourselves

2009-01-11T20:30:00.004-05:00

Is this thing on? We forgot about this blog again. We are all-stars. The updates are Fast and Furious, like Vin Diesel. Rock? Nrrrrreeeee?

This post for our family, but they are the only people who read this anyway.

Question time!

1. If you had to play one video game for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Marcus: Peggle Nights
Catherine: Peggle

2. If you had to listen to one song on loop, and it was always playing everywhere you went, what song would you pick?
Marcus: Alone by Heart
Catherine: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely

3. If you could hang out with any comic book character, who would it be?
Marcus: Bigby from Fables
Catherine: Jughead from Archie
Marcus: No, Fin Fang Foom.

4. If you had to have facial reconstruction surgery and look like someone famous, who would it be?
Marcus: Shel Silverstein
Catherine: Mickey Rouke. Just kidding. Kate Winslet.

5. If you had to eat one fruit or vegetable for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Marcus: Eggplant. Wizards.
Catherine: Bananas

6. What superpower would you want?
Marcus: Mandarin's 10 rings and facial hair. Just kidding. Blackbolt's voice.
Catherine: To be able to warm up, except it would make me susceptible to people who could make me into a pie.

7. Would you rather be 100 feet tall or 10 inches tall?
Marcus: 100 ft, so I could get everybody.
Catherine: 10 inches, so I could hide places and be a spy.

Take some notes

2008-12-05T21:28:00.006-05:00

My mom's side of the family has started a blog (no, really):

Renuart Nation

And I really just think that the world needs to take some notes on what winners look like.

I am the baby in red overalls to the left. What you can't quite make out is that my right eye is completely black (an unfortunate occurance which involved a refrigerator, a kitchen counter, and my eye socket). My mom is the prettiest woman. And that is a normal size for a family. Considering that this is just the first round of grandchildren...

The next round starts. I'm the kid on the top step, far right. I wish I still wore that outfit (especially the shoes). And had that hair cut.

But the ultimate get is my game face in this photo (you probably need to the Renuart site and click on the photo to get it full size in order to appreciate this). And that vest that I am wearing. I mean Jamie's pose (who is to the right). Really, it's Haley who was the cutest child. And Tim, who was never more than 10 feet away from her for about 6 years.

Happy Times

2008-11-12T18:28:00.002-05:00

Sometimes you just need a bobbin to make you smile:

Once upon a time... from Capucha on Vimeo.

Joshua dancing to "Apologize" from Joe Tran on Vimeo.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

The wife ain't the only one can update.

2008-11-11T17:34:00.003-05:00

Hey there, blog! How's it going? I had the day off today, but then two things happened:

1. I am sick with blargh, despite trying SOSO hard not to get sick; and

2. I had to grade 25 essays that were also somehow sick with blargh.

Do you know what teaching school is, blog? Teaching school is bogus.

Like this:

Au revoir, blog. Je vomis.

Sirs and Ma'ams

2008-11-10T13:30:00.006-05:00

We didn't know.

How could we have known that Swedish dance bands were so incredible?

I am starting a free love commune with every single one of those men. 'Cause I need to get up on all of that. There is no time to waste.

More of these fine-looking gentlemen can be found here.

But I saved my true love for last:

Oh, man to the far right... I didn't know that my heart could beat like this...

Bobbin

2008-10-05T06:49:00.004-06:00

We have both been super blargh monsters with serious cold/flu things for the past week or so, but we just got great news that Josh and Heidi had their baby! Follow the links to see the tiny baby (born by c-section) and the happy parents. We are so thrilled for them and can't wait to meet Miss Izzie in person.

Baby Isabella Rose

Rebuking rebuttal.

2008-09-29T19:46:00.002-06:00

I must concede that Meatloaf did pose good competition with "I Would Do Anything for Love," but really. Can you top these two at once? A one-two punch. A duo of women who have brought us some of the cheesiest power ballads of all time.

What happened to divas?

And of course Mariah Carey's Hero

Rebuttal.

2008-09-29T19:34:00.003-06:00

I admit that it is nearly impossible to call, but in the end, how does Meatloaf not win? Even against Celine Dion. Look:

This is exactly how Cat and I met, except without all the lesbians (and the subsequent mirror-breaking), but definitely with the me being a monster and then there being a police detective in glasses and then we were riding off into the sunset. Also, however old I was when I first saw this, all I remembered was the lesbians. So awesome.

But then there's Meatloaf covering Celine Dion. So I guess he answered the bell:

Just kidding. That is the worst.

Importanter update!

2008-09-29T19:20:00.002-06:00

Seriously, if you want a for real power ballad:

Celine Dion -- It's All Coming Back to Me Now.

Curse youtube for disabling embedding of Celine Dion. But I promise you it is worth it. It's got explosions, ghosts, storms, flashes of light. She is the unbeatable winner of my heart.

Important update!

2008-09-29T19:12:00.001-06:00

Seriously, everybody, quick:

Oh baby, oh baby

2008-09-22T18:29:00.003-06:00

Okay, I think that most girls have a short list of women for whom they would immediately become a lesbian.

Meet my number 1:

I mean, come ON! Those breasts--incredible!

Not to mention is she is not a bad little actress.

Plus, she was Saffron. Who wouldn't want to marry Saffron?

Christina, baby, any time, any place. Call me.

Fly a fantasy.

2008-09-06T15:17:00.003-06:00

Excuse me, sir?

Cat and I just watched The NeverEnding Story, which I have just discovered is my favorite movie of all time, supplanting The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. You just can't beat something I first saw when I was five years old, Peter Jackson. I'm sorry.

I made sure Cat appreciated some of the better touches -- Bastian taking the attic key from its broken holder, Charlotte's cameo as Morla, the Ancient One -- and I also showed her the video for Limahl's "NeverEnding Story."

You have to watch it. Embedding has been disabled by request, which hasn't stopped 1.5 million people from watching this, so get to it. And then pay attention when it hits the 2:00 mark, because that's when magic happens. That image capture at the top of this post? That's the face Limahl makes while singing the chorus. Why is Limahl making an orgasmic/heroin face? Except kind of bored? Who's the woman in the background? How is this the best video you've ever seen?

Live-blogging the evening: Part 9.

2008-09-05T23:24:00.004-06:00

I'm searching for the perfect feeling...

Whoops. I passed out, missed most of Camp Rock, and now have a raging headache. Good thing that catching the first ten minutes and the last ten minutes of the movie are enough to provide the entire plot.

Also, Demi Lovato? No more dancing for you. Maybe I can't tell through the fog of my epic fail, but you and dancing are a no.

Live-blogging the evening: Part 8.

2008-09-05T21:44:00.002-06:00

Are you serious, Jonas #3?

Let's go! Camp Rock! First, I plan on not learning how to differentiate the Jonas Brothers other than by arbitrary distinctions, such as which one is the gayest or the worst. In fact, I plan on treating this as a massive comparative experiment: Who is gayer, the Gay Jonas Brother or Zac Efron? (Just kidding, everybody. Zac Efron will never be topped.)

So far, I have no idea what the plot is. I failed at processing the beginning of the movie, so I'm now joining it as whats-her-name shows up at Camp Rock. There is a lot of screaming.

Cat and Juila were just having an argument with me about who's prettier: Vanessa Hudgens or Demi Lovato. At first, I was pretty much ready to fight about the fact that Vanessa Hudgens is a troll and Demi Lovato is cute. Then I realized that I'm 28 and what the hell am I doing? Also, music has finally started:

I feel like I'm watching Fame, but it's not as good.

Live-blogging the evening: Part 7.

2008-09-05T21:09:00.008-06:00

We've now watched this scene three or four times in a row. It is the most incredible scene in the history of movies. If you gave me two years and a hundred thousand dollars, I might be able to break it down for you, but right now? Whew. I'll do my best.

You have this:

Which is more incredible in motion than here, even with the incredible fey thing his hands are doing. Toward the end, he also spins and jumps by some water:

Again, the still doesn't do it justice. Just remember that this is his angst-ridden, tough-guy song. This is it. Spinning in midair.

But the moment that shattered my belief that I could ever blog about this scene effectively is right here:

He is talking to his reflection. His face looks like this, and it is incredible. You are the better man, High School Musical 2. I concede.

BONUS: The Internet wins. While looking for pictures of Vigo, I found someone's opus, and here it is. You're welcome.

Live-blogging the evening: Part 6.

2008-09-05T20:27:00.002-06:00

At this point, I feel like I've fallen asleep and am now dreaming one of my surreal dreams. Are they really in the pool? Is this what a date is like? Should I be taking Catherine to the pool and pretending to be a gay guy pretending to be straight? Romance is so confusing.

Whoa. I think I did fall asleep for a little bit. I will make it to Camp Rock, but it's safe to say that HSM2 is not holding my interest.

Live-blogging the evening: Part 5.

2008-09-05T19:52:00.004-06:00

We're up to "The Music In Me," and all I can see (vaguely -- so many mudslides!) is that Kelsi is so alone. The gay kid and his ineptly lip-synching beard are making out in front of her TOTES UNINVITED (I am saying totes for the evening), and she's all alone. I would make you feel less alone, Kelsi.

Damn you, Troy, you know you're just leading Gabrielle on

It totally sucks to be the third wheel. Sorry. I mean that it totes sucks to be the third wheel.

Live-blogging the evening: Part 4.

2008-09-05T19:23:00.003-06:00

And we are go on High School Musical 2. Gabriella still can't lip-synch (or sing), Troy is still gay, and I am fixing another blended explosion of whatever we bought today at the store.

Let's talk about Ms. Darbus, though (and I did have to look that up at IMDB, no worries):

There is not a high school teacher in this world who is not more excited than the kids for that last bell. We are salivating over it. But in movies, teachers take on one of three stereotypes:

1. The iconoclastic teacher who strives to inspire and huarargh vomit sounds. Robin Williams is the worst. Dead Poets Society is ass. No teaching is like this. I get that you make students and (dumb) teachers feel like they can make kids love learning. IT'S JUST THAT YOU'D MAKE A BETTER FOOL FOR SATAN, ROBIN WILLIAMS:

Shut your face, Robin Williams.

2. The young, inspirational teacher who is probably banging one of the students. They love this one on teen dramas. Because none of us is capable of being professional, you know. Mostly, we just go ahead and teach some children how to sin. All you have to do is smoke, get drunk or better yet, give illegal drugs or alcohol to under-aged children. Cheat, gamble, gossip, and live being as selfish as possible. Do all of this in the presence of children and they will do it too. Kids are like that.

3. Then there's Ms. Darbus, who is oblivious and/or inept. The teacher who can't relate, won't relate, stumbles around like a retarded person (oops), and so on. So nice, Hollywood!

Oh, and there's a fourth -- the super-mean teacher who abuses kids "in order to teach them." (Who am I quoting?) That's me, except I don't teach them anything. Except to be quiet when I'm reading the paper or napping.

Wait, there's a fifth type (don't give up on it; wait about 1:30 for the insanely long intro to yield SOLID GOLD):

True story.

Live-blogging the evening: Part 3.

2008-09-05T18:45:00.007-06:00

IT'S JUST THAT YOU'D MAKE A BETTER FOOL FOR CHRIST.

I can't find pictures of Zac Efron in the amazing all-denim outfit he wore to "woo" Gabriella, even though that outfit alone made this movie night worth it. (Also, the vodka helps.)

But I found this: High School Musical fan fiction.

Three years ago, I lived next door to a woman who wrote fan fiction for a living. She said she was part of a massive InuYasha fan-fic site, and people paid her to write things. I couldn't believe it then, and I feel bad about this now, but seriously:

Story Ideas:

1 Click Here:Gabriella Montez is a new student at east high. While she is there, she keeps an online private blog and writes about every new person she meets. What happens when her blog gets leaked to the entire student body and everyon starts to hate her? (troyella)~complete

2 Summer Love: Gabriella Montez's family has a landscaping bussiness. When her family recieves a new client, will Gabriella find love? More importantly, will her brothers allow it?~complete

3 Message Sent:Troy Bolton meets a friend online. Thinking that this person is no more than a penpal, he tells them all of his secrets and thoughts. What happens when this person is closer than he thinks? What will become of the friendship? More importantly, will he ever find out who the person is?~ sequel to Click Here~Complete

That just happened! (PS: Troy's secret thoughts are about boys.) Someone really meant that -- and dozens more stories -- and then, just when I was feeling a little guilty for picking on someone for his or her love of High School Musical... I found this:

A LETTER TO YOU FROM SATAN:

That's right. A LETTER TO YOU FROM SATAN. Exactly what you would expect next to HSM fan fiction. A couple of highlights:

Thanks to you, I'm really showing Him who's boss in your life with all of the good times we've had.We have been... watching dirty movies, cursing people out, stealing, lying, being hypocritical, overeating, telling dirty jokes, gossiping, being judgmental, back stabbing people, dis-respecting adults, and those in leadership positions. No respect for the Church, bad attitudes.

Hey! I like all of those things, too! But this is really worth the time for this part, which is now my motto:

So go ahead and teach some children how to sin.All you have to do is smoke, get drunk or better yet, give illegal drugs or alcohol to under-aged children. Cheat, gamble, gossip, and live being as selfish as possible. Do all of this in the presence of children and they will do it too. Kids are like that.

Kids are like that. Got me.

And then there's the closing, which is how I now plan on signing every email, personal or professional, from now on:

Don't get me wrong, I still hate you.

IT'S JUST THAT YOU'D MAKE A BETTER FOOL FOR CHRIST.

P.S. If you love me, you won't share this.

"If you love me, you won't share this." Satan is the champ.

Live-blogging the evening: Part 2.

2008-09-05T18:02:00.005-06:00

Oh my.

What is the appeal of Ashley Tisdale? Her head is enormous. It's mesmerizing. Also, her voice is completely inside of her nose. She sounds like Keith Sweat, only I don't like her, and I love Keith Sweat.

Voila:

Keith Sweat is my husband.

Also, I have to admit that Troy and Gabriella have the best sight-reading abilities I have ever seen. They are fantastic. And with perfect pitch.

Still, I have no trouble suspending my disbelief for that kind of thing. Or for the fact that Troy has no other outlet for singing -- no bands, for instance -- other than theater. I can't, however, suspend my disbelief to accept that Zac Efron likes a girl. He doesn't. He likes boys.

Look, I know that this is old news. But are you going to hate on somebody who discovers The Beatles (or even a band I don't think is horribly over-rated) for not having heard of them before? That's what this is. Zac Efron's attempt to play straight is the acting equivalent of The Beatles. If The Beatles were this.

I'm just kidding. That was the best thing.

Live-blogging the evening.

2008-09-05T17:34:00.005-06:00

My goodness.

The evening's entertainment:

Vodka
Godiva chocolate liqueur
Bailey's Irish Creme
Cosmopolitan mix
Mike's Hard Lemonade
"Hint of Lime" Tostitos (declicious crack)
Hummus
Brie and crackers
Pizza
High School Musical
High School Musical 2
Camp Rock

HOW CAN YOU KEEP UP WITH THAT.

Five minutes into High School Musical, I have two thoughts:

1. I can't believe that Cat and I had a date night to watch the premiere for which we cooked a lavish meal and had wine like we were seeing the opera.

2. Zac Efron is actually the gayest boy. Just watching him is confusing my sexuality, but not in the good way that Hyde does. Seriously, if you Google "Zac Efron," the second most popular search, after "Zac Efron," is "Zac Efron gay." Google proves it.

Hyde is an angel who came down to Earth to sing.

Also, how is this acting? I mean "acting"? So good. Like a clinic in acting.

Collecting it all in one place.

2008-09-01T15:27:00.004-06:00

You sexy beast, you

Let's see:

Direct connection to corrupt Senator? Check.

Abuse of political power? Check. And double-check.

Failure to get her 17-year-old not to follow the whole "abstinence only" thing? Check.

Decent odds that's just a cover for an even more f-ed up story? Check.

Direct connection to insane, secessionist group? Check.

Insane belief that Creationism belongs in school? Check.

Evidence of being borderline retarded about American history? Check.

Wowsers, kids. It doesn't even matter who's pregnant with whom. This girl is a complete disaster, and I think this is least someone has ever been vetted for any job in the history of time. I am obsessed.

Ha ha ha.

2008-08-31T20:01:00.005-06:00

I have been obsessed with Sarah Palin since she flounced into the limelight, and while I am just praying that some of the rumors are true (please let it be true), the hard realities have been ugly enough to make me happy.

Then there's this wonderful factoid. Hokey smokes, Palin. That better not be true.

This proves my theory that Alaska is full of idiots. And vampires.

Also, America? FAIL.

Excuse ME, Princess.

2008-08-28T16:19:00.003-06:00

Someone made this. A human person made this. And 27,000 people have watched it. Because WHY WOULD YOU NOT.

Since I know nobody is going to make it to 2:04, here's your screenshot:

You're welcome. Also, 16 people gave this an average of almost five stars. Including me.

Plans for the weekend.

2008-08-28T16:11:00.003-06:00

HowManyOfMe.com

There are
2
people with my name in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

I am going to hunt you down, Other Me. And it will be just like this:

Excuuuuuuuuuuse me, Princess. How did I never see this until now? I can't even make it through the whole thing, it's so amazing. My brain just shuts down with happy. All the things to see and hear are in this. All of them.

PS: I chose that episode because it's named "Doppelganger," by which I mean because it is the best episode. Of any show ever.

I got a crush on you.

2008-08-28T16:10:00.001-06:00

I just want to live with you, Japan. I think we'd be so happy together.

Night on Fail Mountain.

2008-08-08T20:39:00.005-06:00

Dear America,

I was serious when I said that I don't want to read about your politics anymore. I understand that you're retarded, okay? I didn't need to read this article about the Anti-Christ to know that. I really didn't need to glean from that article the fact that over 70 million of you have bought into the Left Behind series, the most super-retarded series of books ever published. Trust me on that one. I tried to read Twilight this summer, and it was a lot easier to get through the first few pages of derptastic tween vampire romance than the first few pages of derptastic fear-mongering. I mind-vomited through both attempts, so it was close, but you guys won it when you all graduated to live action and you slammed down a gauntlet shaped like Kirk Cameron's face:

Kirk Cameron is my second-favorite actor, because he is so good at making me believe that what is happening in front of him (and me) is really happening. My disbelief is expelled, sir.

Anyway, it's great to know that so many people are ready to point out the Anti-Christ for real. And that McCain's fail of irony is getting so much attention. He might have wanted to leave it to the super-retarded, but still. Good job, America.

Unfortunately, you got the wrong guy. The real Anti-Christ, as everybody knows, is my favorite actor, Sam Neill:

Gregory Peck was in The Omen, by the way. Believe that.

I hope you understand, America, that you are just like Satan at the end of The Omega Code 2. First, you're all hopped on cheap CGI and awesome ideas:

But then you get carried away, retarding it up like always:

That is totally how you are right now.

Advertising!

2008-08-08T17:45:00.005-06:00

Over at Jezebel, there's a post about the new Ecko ad campaign. Check it out, because America's done it again. I can't wait to teach that in my course on Media Studies! It's so much better than the other ad campaigns out there. Just kidding! Peta is always putting on a clinic when it comes to advertising. They are your winners.

Or are they?! The real winners could take you to advertising school all the live-long day. Also to decency school, just in time for the Olympics.

I bet it is so awesome to be a woman in America right now! Great job, everybody!

President of the World.

2008-08-08T13:26:00.007-06:00

Used to be I could wade through political blogs and news articles for hours. Now it just takes one Bob Cesca post and this video for me to throw up my hands (throw up in my hands?):

Seriously, now. You've lost your right to an individual opinion, America. If you're going to give that guy any traction, that's a whoops. And if you cast your votes for him, that's a whoops from me for shooting you in the face. Is this a secret test to determine who gets to stay in America/stay alive? So if you show up to the voting site and pick McCain, the secret police show up and say, "Congratulations, you epic failed!" and take you away? Please let it be so.

While I was thinking about it, I serendipitously found this:

My oh my.

1) Betty Boop needs to get some traction going in my life, that's for sure.
2) Mr. Nobody might be a smidgen racist.
3) I would totally vote for Mr. Nobody over Betty Boop, even with my unnatural feelings for Betty Boop.
4) I don't really have any unnatural feelings for Betty Boop.
5) These feelings are the most natural feelings in the world.

Additionally, the way the crowd boos in unison? Well. Also think about the ways in which Betty improves the country, including the Rube Goldberg machine that wakes up the weather reporter. I'm probably missing the humor. I'm slow. But I know that this cartoon is an example of how 1932 is better than now.

Also there's the guy in the electric chair, who is about to be executed at the 5:00 mark:

Normal brutal killer about to die

In Betty's perfect America, he's given a makeover instead:

Horrible child-murdering killer about to unleash a horrible murdering of childs on Betty Boop's America

I vote for Betty Boop's utopia, 2008 America. Thank you for your time, though.

I can't believe you, trowel. No one can.

2008-08-07T19:45:00.008-06:00

Part 2
Part 1

You got it. You got it, mister.

This next song may seem unrelated, but it is, because it is related to everything I am doing right now.

Shame and pride.

2008-07-20T08:30:00.003-06:00

I just read John's post, which is fantastic, and I'm moved to update this thing. I especially appreciate John's inclusion of "Music of the Night," because there was a time when I was balancing NWA's Efil4zaggin with Phantom of the Opera (and a girl named Diana, who was no doubt confused by it all). I would come home, eat Bagel Bites, listen to "Real N***az," then play the first act of Phantom. What?

Anyway, I wanted to write about secret shames in music. I figure there's a formula of sorts here. One has to have loved it with a deep and transporting love; one also has to feel embarrassment over the intensity and subject of that love. It's not enough for the song to be tolerable and lame; Britney Spears' "Stronger," for instance, isn't good enough or embarrassing enough, even if it's made a half-dozen mix CDs for me in its time. I think it's a concatenation (what?) of the personal embarrassment one feels and any additional embarrassment relative context might give the song. I might listen to songs from 16-bit Japanese RPGs by myself, but Justin does, too, and Justin is awesome; also, that's a kind of niche cool. And I'm not embarrassed by it.

Not everything fits. While I feel a small measure of embarrassment at loving everything about this Poison song, it's very small. And seeing the video again reminds me what they were working with in the 80s. All viewers were just slapped with pathos. And how is the father's delivery of every line at the beginning? Watch his reaction to where his daughter wants to move and how soon; also, I think the mother is dead inside. Pathos? I wasn't going to embed every video, but man:

Actually, holy God, what just happened in that video. Did we all just lose? Was that in slow motion? The spitting? Oh, man. I saw Poison in concert when I was 10. That was when it peaked for me. One more thing on this video: the body language of the casting director (?) at 1:00. How's that lean across the table? She had no idea walking in the door what would happen.

Similarly, Alice Cooper's "Poison" is awesome, not embarrassing. True, it's cheesy; but only if "cheesy" means "awesome and filled with half-naked women around chains with no explanation and also snakes." And the thing is that I'm not talking about the video. That's the visual you get from the guitar alone.

Sometimes the embarrassment is contextual. For instance, I will never feel ashamed of how much I loved (love) S.E.S., and "Dreams Come True" is easily the happiest I've ever been. (Notice that I didn't say "listening to;" somehow I just mean that the song is the happiest I've ever been. Plus, late 90s South Korean CGI, everybody. I guess they're in space, and there are flowers and fairies, but also at the 36 second mark, a giant demon monster.)

I loved S.E.S. passionately up until their breakup, which followed treasures like "Just a Feeling," which is what I embedded above this. (Oh, Bada. I have a sticker of you in my wallet still.) Most people would call my love of this kind of music embarrassing, but I feel great about it. Once upon a time, I even hosted a radio show (for two years?) where I played S.E.S. and other Asian pop, rock and hip-hop (Drunken Tiger, L'arc-en-Ciel, Yoko Kanno).

Bonus S.E.S.: I own their first concert (called appropriately "First Concert: Sweet Kiss from the World of Dream"), during which your mind is blown. Each of them performs a "special," which is whatever they wanted it to be, I guess: Sea plays the piano and cries; Eugene dances to TLC's "Creep;" and Shoo does this:

There is an epic post of its own about that concert, which has the best camera work and singing and dancing. If it had been a middle school talent competition and not a sold-out concert in Seoul Arena for the most popular band in the entire country.

Bonus Korean girl group: M.I.L.K., which stands for Made in Lovely Kin (because of course), with "Crystal."

I have a deep and unflinching love for this song in every way, and the video. More CGI! Also, "my style and the crystal." That lyric rhymes and is in English. I think one day I will openly admit what I know in my heart, which is that M.I.L.K. made a better song than Dreams Come True. It just came into my life at the wrong time: a little too late for total commitment. Still: they are so good.

Double bonus pseudo-shame: move's "Around the World." I memorized every lyric to this syllabically, because I have no idea what it's saying. My dream is to perform it with Charlotte and Justin. Live. Justin would be the rapper, and I would play both drums (?) and keyboards; Charlotte would come in to sing the chorus.

In a similar contextual vein, my wife's reaction to learning that I love Enigma and especially the song "Sadeness" was, "Really? Seriously?" She is mean, though. And she doesn't know about me blasting Enigma once while a repairman was visiting our house in Virginia Beach, to the point where he stopped my mom and said, "What is that chanting stuff up stairs? It's pretty good." See that? "It's pretty good," this possibly apocryphal repairman said. Anyway, I am not ashamed of Enigma. Half of the lyrics are in French, which is classy. Look:

(Also, what is the guy in the video writing with his quill pen? Is it the lyrics? A love letter? He's very sad around the 30 second mark. Or he died.)

Wait, hold on! I thought of an even better Korean example of shameful excellence. It's called "Summer Dance" (your first sign), features every SM Town star (your second sign), and goes a little bit like this:

Wooooooow. I don't have the time to walk you through that one, but I guess I feel slightly embarrassed by how awesome I still find it, even now. If you need some help, just watch the serious faces the "tough" stars make. Also, think about the rapping. Have they listened to any late 80s rap? And listened poorly?

In the end, I have almost no musical shame. I love Rent and Chess (oops, a little ashamed of that one -- except that this is exactly what I imagine Bangkok was like for Justin in every way); I also love NWA and Bushwick Bill.

(Note: You lost to Bushwick Bill.)

I love Backstreet Boys and Korn on the same mix. (My wife also mocked me for Korn, but she's mean.) I love this song from A Goofy Movie, because it is the best song you have heard today:

The point isn't that any of that is bad. (All of it is the best.) It's simply that there are reasons for me to be ashamed of all of it, and I'm not, really, except maybe for Chess.

My real musical shames, then, are specific. I'm going with what John wrote, which I'll paraphrase by saying that when the song comes on, I am transported away and need to be alone with it. It doesn't matter if my wife is incredulous at my joy (she is). You might also identify these by asking: If any of my students ever knew that I loved the song, would I no longer be able to teach, having lost any and all respect I had once gained in the classroom? Also, would I be fired?

To a lesser extent, I don't know what to do about my love for pop country music. Shania Twain is probably too Mutt Lange to count. He makes everything good, unless you're my wife, who doesn't seem to realize how awesome this song is:

Are you kidding?

"Gunpowder and Lead," however, by Miranda Lambert, has no Mutt Lange to be seen. Cat and I discovered that recently while driving through the South, and what do you know about country music? It is so good. (I can't find a real video for the song, but you just need to hear it to appreciate it.) I love the lyrics to this song.

But I don't love that song enough to be ashamed of it. I never played it every hour or so while on my honeymoon, for instance, or put it on four consecutive mix CDs made in the same day, just in case I couldn't wait long enough to change CDs to hear it.

I did all of that for this song (which doesn't exist in embeddable form):

Carrie Underwood - "Before He Cheats"

I can't explain this one, so it's kind of embarrassing. I just really, really like it. Not as much as my TRUE secret shame, but a lot. (And "Gunpowder and Lead" is growing on me. Do I just love country/pop songs about visiting horrible violence on philandering/abusive men? What does that reveal about me? Probably something less embarrassing than what might be revealed by the next song...)

Okay, then! What's the only thing I love so deeply that it qualifies for all-time secret shame? What is so embarrassing on every level that it also makes me kind of proud, because, seriously, what happened? What am I doing?

Hoku - "Another Dumb Blonde"

(Sorry, it's also impossible to find an embeddable copy of that one. Maybe somebody else recognizes the latent hit potential of it!)

A couple of things here:

1) I was 20 when this song came out.
2) I love this song.
3) I don't know that I want to love this song, but I can't help it.
4) I sing this song when it's on.

My sister once took video of the ground just so she could record the audio of me singing this in an adjacent room. In the video, you can hear me missing the high notes but going for it anyway. And the camera is shaking with suppressed laughter as Charlotte tries not to give away her position, knowing that I would be embarrassed enough to stop.

I don't think I had seen the video for this Hoku song since it came out (on Disney?), which means that I must have heard it, known it was a lifetime love, and committed to breaking it out on mix CDs every few months.

Palate cleanser:

Now my only shame is what I'm doing to the planet that Michael Jackson loves. PS: If he hadn't waited until 2:37 to give you those drums and that bass (!), you would have no chance of making it through all seven minutes of this song. Do you see him collapsing in the video? Your mind/ears couldn't take it.

Tequila in his heartbeat.

2008-07-16T05:39:00.004-06:00

I only update this when it's important.

(If you can't understand Sebastian Bach, who seems truly broken up about what happened to Ricky by the end, you can get the lyrics here.)

First of all, Ricky looks like he was awesome to hang out with. Second of all, the scenes where Ricky is shooting bottles -- even in the air! -- are just as incredible as I remember.

Goin' a'travelin'

2008-07-13T12:49:00.026-06:00

Sorry that it has been so long since we last updated. Shortly after the husband's last day of school, we set off on a leisurely jaunt to North Carolina. We planned to stop in Roanoke for the evening, giving us plenty of time to take random exits and stop whenever we needed to. One of our stops led to us to Gamestop, where Marcus purchased many games for Justin's long awaited return. Later, we stopped at a vineyard in the Shenandoah Valley for our first wine tasting. The woman helping us was really sweet, and we purchased bottles of wine for all the people we would be visiting with on our two week-long journey.

On our way back to the highway from the vineyard (after sitting in our car for a good twenty minutes eating rice cakes, waiting for the buzz to wear off), we saw an improbable sight in the parking lot of the CVS. The one, the only Pikachu Car!!! Marcus flipped out with joy. Apparently there is someone else in the world who wanted that car as much as he did when it was being offered as a prize in a contest. When we got back on the highway, and we were chatting about the awesome twist of fate that this car not only existed but had been in our same location at the same time, it whizzed past us!

I sped up to follow him, and Marcus was able to get this photograph (hopefully without the driver of the car feeling like he was being tailgated). The license plate "LVL 100" got him really hard. But how is that design for a car? Can he drive it around without it being vandalized?

The rest of our drive to NC was much less eventful.

We stayed with my parents, visited with Josh and Heidi, and hung out at Lee and Katie's quite a bit. On the 4th of July, we picked up Jenny and Reagan early in the morning so that they could go to the Kernersville parade with Zoe. All the girls were incredibly well-behaved, and they racked up huge bags full of candy. Here are some of the shining examples of how to celebrate in Kernersville:

After the parade, the girls had a fashion show and played on the Slip'n'Slide at my parents' house. Mid-afternoon, we went back to Lee and Katie's and played with fireworks. I've never seen Marcus more giddy.

We left the next morning for Nashville. En route, we stopped to buy more fireworks (for Justin's return and next year's 4th of July). That evening, we stopped for dinner at Marcus' friend Lauren's house. It was my first time meeting Lauren and her husband, Hank, but they made us feel comfortable immediately. Their little girl, Lottie, was beautiful and healthy. She was a smart and happy baby. It made us want to have bobbins of our own, but there is no time for that, right now.

After visiting Lauren and Hank, we headed down to Mississippi to visit Marcus' mom. It was great to see her, even if Mississippi is the hottest place on earth, plagued by mosquitoes. There was a little guest house where we stayed, and the property was absolutely gorgeous. The county where Josie lives is extremely poor, and while the farms were beautiful, the shacks and broken down trailers really brought home the fact that there are people in our own country who live below poverty level. Living in Westchester County, we don't see that very often. It motivated us to continue to work to help other people. It was great to see Josie and her new dog, Buck, who is one of the biggest dogs that I have ever seen. And as Marcus would want me to point out with this picture that I took-- we had a sighting of Bigfoot.
On the way back from Mississippi, we stopped two nights to break up the long drive. We bought more fireworks and drove through both of the towns where we were born (Crossville, TN and Pulaski, VA). By the end of the trip, after I had been driving 7 to 9 hours a day for 6 days, my nerves were shot (as it had been raining pretty much every day, and Marcus doesn't do well in the rain). In the final hours of the drive, we hit a ton of traffic, which led to me screaming obscenities and flying the bird to every other car we passed. It was a fun day. But, now we are home, and though we have no air conditioning, it is good to be back in our apartment. We are looking forward to seeing Justin this week some time, and we plan to go back to NC to visit Lee and Katie again while Charlotte is there. Hopefully, I won't have to drive...

Game, set, match: America.

2008-06-06T21:01:00.004-06:00

I just got an email telling me about an attempt to leave a comment on one of the very first posts on this ridiculous little blog: the one about animals that are not real animals. Two comments, actually:

fluffybunny has left a new comment on your post "Animals that are not real animals.":

Yeah, pandas are not real all right. That's just a lot of hungry people chowing down on thousands of pounds of bamboo each year. They must really need their fiber or something. I mean talk about keeping a hoax going, they must have a real great fan base. It's amazing that they have had enough volunteers to walk around in panda suits for the last ohh.... 1,000 years or so. That right there is total committment. I mean it's a good thing stupid people like you are about one in a billion. I can't imagine what the world would be like if someone like you was running it.

Okay, then:

1) fluffybunny?
2) Are you kidding?

But he (she?) wasn't done. Almost immediately, he realized there was more I didn't know about pandas:

fluffybunny has left a new comment on your post "Animals that are not real animals.":

Yeah that's right. That there is just a person in a panda suit chowing down on some yummy bamboo. I mean they must really like bamboo, eating about 1,000 pounds a year to keep this hoax going. Talk about devotion. They must really need some serious fiber to be keeping up with this gig. Not to mention they are an icredibly loyal fanbase. To think that they have kept this thing going for ohh... what's it been like a thousand years or more. Let me tell you I can't believe the condition these suits are in. I mean they are like pristine. You'd think they would be hanging on by threads. The is just completely unbelievable that you have crack the case on this whole panda thing. Whoa talk about one smart cookie. Thank you for showing me the light on this one buddy.

Seriously? You got me.

Now, in my excitement over fluffybunny, I went to the post about animals and found four more comments from people who have never experienced irony. Here's the first gem:

kiki said...: what a dumbass mother fucking liar! i know that u dont like them and u ppl to shoot them!; February 26, 2008 9:07 PM

Wait -- I'm lying about the robot baby pandas and demon howler monkeys? In order to shoot them? I'm confused. Maybe the next one makes more sense:

kiki said...: U GUYS R A MOTHER FUCKING ASS IN THE VAGINA! FUCK U DICKS WITH SHIT I YO U VAGINAS!; February 26, 2008 9:08 PM

Yes! That one does make more sense! Also, what happened in that one minute, kiki? Did you re-read the post about animals that aren't real animals and decide that you'd had it with people calling pandas not-real? And you were by God going to let me know that I am an ass in the vagina. I can have no comeback to that.

Except that here is your blog and yes, you have done it. You have made all the dreams come true. Everyone's. Walking on Sunshine. Yes.

Next comment on the post:

lolnerds said...: stupid nerds....that panda cant be a person in a suit the eyes are too spread apart and the baby panda has no remote behind it....stop being jerks....i do agree with the fox or wolf or whatever cuz it looks like a statue....stupid idiots; February 26, 2008 11:16 PM

I like so much that it was the lack of remote that cleared up the baby panda for lolnerds. Almost as much as I like the agreement that the Tibetan fox is not real. Clearly, the baby panda is the not-realest. And the guy in the panda suit just has a hard time seeing through the eyes that are too spread apart; that's why pandas move around so infrequently. lolnerds! Come on!

Something else to say, lolnerds?

lolnerds said...: get a life; February 26, 2008 11:16 PM

I stand defeated. By America. And the Internet.

Sad news

2008-05-28T13:16:00.003-06:00

Today is my birthday (which is exciting), but I just found out that my grandfather is dying. So Marcus and I will be flying out to Oklahoma in the next week or two. Please keep us (and our family on my dad's side) in your thoughts... We are extremely lucky to have such a close knit and supportive family and circle of friends. We love you all very much.

Huh?

2008-05-12T15:52:00.003-06:00

Well, I think we are doing a fantastic job updating this thing. Sometimes, isn't everybody like, "Please! No more minutiae! Take a break already!" They are!

Here's why the world is going straight to Hell:

#1: The GOP is supremely evil and just as stupid, but neither quality has turned off the completely retarded America we know and love (second poll on the page).

#2: This girl is obviously a different kind of retarded, but she's not the fringe aberration we'd both wish for; she's a new breed of ignorant, entitled idiots who can't figure out why a dress like this would keep her out of prom. (Sorry, no links for that -- just a growing list of anecdotes from my daily teaching!)

#3: And exactly when did the term MILF become mainstream? I guess I don't care if 30 Rock wants to parody it, because they got it: It's demeaning to women. Way to go, Jodi Lipper and Cerina Vincent. Way to retard women some more.

Huh?

Threw a fractal on a breaking wall.

2008-04-20T12:36:00.006-06:00

Today I discovered a mix CD in the car with "Christmas?" written on it. That's it, just "Christmas?" in my handwriting. We threw it in the CD player while we were driving around, and pretty soon I realized that, while I have no memory of making this CD, it might be the best one I ever put together.

Here is a screenshot of the iTunes playlist, which we put together as soon as we got home:

Crazy -- I guess this is why it was a "Christmas?" album. Clearly Crazy is a Christmas song, just not in the usual way. When this song starts, by the way, your butt always clenches a little bit, because you know you're about to get punched in your intestines with feelings. Seal's feelings.

Tear in Your Hand -- Tori Amos has never had a unique way of pronouncing all of her words. "Unique" meaning "these are no longer words."

Stranger in Moscow -- Every time I stumble across an unlabeled mix CD, there's a good chance this song is on it. And I know it's there when a track has no sound for 25 seconds. Michael Jackson needed 25 seconds to relax before starting on the most epic description of existential isolation ever committed to song. Think about it: "Stalin's tomb won't let me be." Only that line has six or seven extra syllables in it. Syllables of feeling.

Gz and Hustlas -- I like to play these songs around my wife and remind her that I grew up on gangsta rap. When a line like "How many hos in '94 will I be banging?" comes up, and I am delivering it right along with Snoop, I like to imagine what thoughts are going through her head. Because I know they are love thoughts.

Sea Lion -- I just wish Sage Francis was good at his job. This is garbage.

Be Our Guest -- Because this is the logical follow-up to Snoop and Sage Francis. And the logical precursor to Italian pop. And because everything about Beauty and the Beast is awesome, especially Lee's favorite line, which happens at 4:28 below (although there's a sync problem with the audio): Gaston's incredible delivery of "Please let me through!" Gaston delivers every line in a way that I can't believe.

(My favorite part is at 2:30, when Belle sings about her favorite part. Because I am sometimes a 12-year-old girl. Wait, what?)

Una Favola -- This is a pretty song with a pretty video.

Daedel's Organ -- What do you know about looping a minute of music into a 60-minute mix CD, Justin? And it being the single greatest mix CD ever? I want so badly to have this be my ringtone, but I can't figure it out. So I just sing it whenever the phone rings.

There are some winners after that, but basically:

Sitting on the Dock of the Bay -- This is the greatest song on the CD, actually, after Daedel's Organ (and maybe the FFIV music). Seriously, Otis Redding? Did you mean any of this?

Crazy on You -- Here's the thing: You might think that James Brown is the winner of emotion, or that Seal is, but they both lose to Heart. Nancy Wilson? That guitar? Your sister's voice? Also, whatever this song is about, I want it to happen to me. Because I don't think we're dealing with hyperbole -- I think we are dealing with literal crazy happening on some guy, and it's the preposition that got it done -- "on"? Not "for" or "with" or "into" -- so something's being done on this guy, or to this guy, and after that guitar work, the answer is yes.

Pump up the jams.

2008-04-13T13:22:00.004-06:00

Today was my first race-- a 4 miler in Central Park. While the morning did not go according to plan (lots of unexpected craziness and bad weather upon arriving at the park), the race was intense. Having never run a race, much less one in which I was crunched up against people for the entire time, trying to pace myself was a bit of a shock to my system. Between dodging around slow runners and trying to jump out of the way of the runners trying to pass me, I was really uncertain of how well I was actually running. I at least didn't have to worry about being bored!

At the end of the race, I wasn't really tired, just more frustrated with the fact that I am definitely not fast. I am trying to accept (and appreciate) the fact that my body is not made for speed. It is made for endurance. Those fat deposits are great for the long runs. Not so much for the sprints. So good for the marathons. Not so much for the 4 milers in Central Park.

So after trying not to be discouraged for feeling sluggish during the race, the husband and I went out for a nice lunch and visited with my friend, Julia. When we got home this afternoon, we figured out how to check my official race results online. To my surprise, I found out that I had run the 4 miles in 34:18. That's a 8:34 min per mile pace. I am completely pleased with that. I run a steady pace of 9:05 on my short weekly runs and about 9:45 on my long weekend runs-- so 8:34 was a hefty shave off my expected time!

These results are a big boost for my confidence, and I definitely feel more motivated as I am entering into the last stages of my marathon training. Yay!

Now you're a hero.

2008-04-10T16:24:00.001-06:00

Yay! We won! Now you try:

You Have to Burn the Rope

(Don't forget to listen to the entire song if you manage to win!)

So very, very close.

2008-04-06T13:42:00.004-06:00

This afternoon, we went to lunch and the Blockbuster, hoping good food and a couple of trashy/good movies would mitigate the unrelenting garbagestorm that is New York weather. (At last count the cloud cover has destroyed 90% of the wife's soul.) We picked up Sabrina (the Han Solo version), Waitress, and a few others. It was good work.

Or was it?

See, as we were perusing Blockbuster's "Comedy" section, thinking that laughter is the best way to deal with the blargosity of the state in which we live, and we ran across this:

The title is 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain, and that truly is Hulk Hogan tearing through the cover. Of the 3 Ninjas movies available at Blockbuster, this one was checked out, meaning that somebody got to that shelf, saw the trilogy, and either

a) had seen all but this one, or

b) had seen them all, and knew that this was the best, or

c) had no idea that this movie existed and instantly knew it needed to be seen.

Because 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain has Hulk Hogan in it, as well as Loni Anderson and Ernest from Ernest Goes to Jail. And I know, I know -- it's supposed to be tongue-in-cheek and campy. It's not unintentionally funny like Teen Witch. It's one of those movies that wants to be unintentionally funny, maybe even intentionally funny, but it's just gonna go ahead and fail on all counts.

Or is it? You be the judge: the trailer awaits. Is it even worth the advertisement wait?

What about a little puma?

2008-04-06T08:07:00.003-06:00

Try to find out the exact moment when you realize that you need to own these animals -- and also the exact moment when the animals eyes say, "I too little to get you now, but I grow up later and be big enough to eat your whole face." Because baby animals can't speak well.

Also, this song? Really?

What about tigers? And being tired?

Except the real get is here, when you see a cat being actually so very angry -- and the tiger cub is not even trying. It is just playing around.

Here you can really see the eyes that say, "I let you scratch my belly now, but I bite you later." Also, how is the woman who says, "They're like puppies!"? Do puppies grow up to bite your spine?

Anyway, this all started with our discovery of Owen and Mzee, the latter of which is roughly 130 years old and a giant tortoise, and who adopted Owen, a baby hippo. Because of course.

Ignoring that hippos are monsters, tortoises are the secret get of all animals. There doesn't appear to be a video of this story on YouTube, but there is this montage, set to a song that is not cliched at all in this context. Also, feelings.

2008-03-20T15:56:00.001-05:00

I have never seen Marcus as happy as he is right now -- he is playing Super Smash Bros. Melee on our new flat screen tv. And he is giggling like a little boy. I am so so in love right now.

I'm rape-er-iffic!

2008-03-15T19:24:00.006-05:00

Hi! I'm the movie Crank. I am an 87-minute action romp starring Jason Statham. I have 61% positive rating on RottenTomatoes.com, where critics like Owen Glieberman call me "stylish" and invite viewers to "just enjoy the ride." I enjoy hating women, but so does everyone in the cast. Do you like half-naked women in plastic bubbles on the side of a penthouse rooftop like decorations? I have that! How about rape that turns into enjoyable sex? Sure! Fellatio during a car chase? Don't worry -- the woman loves it! It's all okay, because right at the very end, I grasp for a moral center. That excuses not just the incessant, untempered misogyny (I have some dialogue during the climax that suggests that being called "somebody's bitch" is worth murdering everyone on a rooftop!) but the racism (aren't all Middle Eastern cab drivers in al Qaeda?) and homophobia (try to count how many insults involve the word "faggot" or references to gay sex!). All it takes is Jason Statham saying that he's sorry he didn't stop and smell the roses as he falls to his death from a plane in a CGI sequence as thrilling and believable as his girlfriend's realization 30 minutes earlier that she did want to be forced to have sex in front of a busload of Japanese schoolgirls -- who, of course, I show marveling at how "masculine" and "magnum" Jason Statham was! (All Japanese schoolgirls want a big American to force them to have sex!) Oh, and did I mention the black drug dealer? Or the Hispanic transvestite? Those are some of my most fully realized characters! You should also know that I feature plenty of innovative direction: everything from slowing down the film (when Jason Statham is tired!) to speeding up the film (when Jason Statham is being serviced during a 100 MPH car chase!). So give me a call! I'll give you everything you wanted in a film -- just as long as you are a 13-year-old boy with no soul or conscience of any kind!

Brother?

2008-03-12T18:29:00.003-05:00

I really like my wife. How's this painting of our little brother/brother-in-law?

This isn't the best photo, but it's a great piece; at least you can see the background getting it done and Justin rocking it there.

Aesthetic.

2008-03-12T18:17:00.006-05:00

Catherine says I have a Japanese aesthetic. I like this piece of hers, so maybe:

It's way good. It's also the back of a Nutrigrain package, which adds something awesome to it. I have a neat wife.

I also liked this picture I took of the outside world when it snowed a week back:

That's a little like a Japanese aesthetic, sure.

But where I know I have a Japanese aesthetic is right here:

Just kidding. I can't even make a joke that I like Dragon Ball Z. Akira Toriyama makes me sad.

I feel you, me. I feel you.

2008-03-12T18:14:00.002-05:00

No feelings

2008-03-07T21:06:00.004-05:00

As I left work today, I entered a deluge. The thought of walking thirty minutes to the train station in the pouring rain did not particularly appeal to me, so I ran to the gas station across the street to attempt to buy an umbrella. Unfortunately for me, this gas station does not sell umbrellas, nor did the person behind the counter have any idea where the closest place was that did sell umbrellas. So, in my panicked, frustrated state, which apparently the young man found endearing, I asked for a bag to at least put over my head to keep me slightly dry. Said young man one-upped my idea and gave me the biggest garbage bag he could find and ripped a small hole in the side of it so that I could see. So, if you had been one of the tens of thousands of people bustling about midtown in the rain, you would have seen a petite, animated garbage bag waddling across town.

Once I arrived at the train station, only half-drenched and slightly amused with the situation leading to my arrival, I decided that I needed to reward myself for my hard work with some rocking music. Seriously rocking. Like Salt-N-Pepa and my number one husband, Biggie. Well, you can imagine my disappointment when this came on shuffle:

He, unfortunately, doesn't have any feelings. Or ever make me smile.

*Marcus adds, "Have you ever thought about a bass line two and a half minutes in?"

Sugar and spice and everything nice.

2008-03-01T11:17:00.005-05:00

The husband kept asking me this morning as he posted about video games whether I wished I was a boy. Well, being a girl really sucked after I hit about twelve or so, but before that, I had some experiences which rival Marcus' memories of playing video games with his brothers.

First, there are the entire Saturday afternoons that I spent reading Babysitters' Club books outside on the swings:

Or the evenings in the fourth grade when I would come home and read Animorphs while listening to Backstreet Boys and Hanson:

Oh the crushes that I had on Jake and Marco.

Oh and the even more serious crushes on Brian and Taylor. There were some feelings there.

And then the fact that I would also play with my Barbie dolls. My next door neighbor, Jana, who was two years older than me (and the coolest girl in school-- everyone thought so) would come over, and we would pretend that our Barbie's had boyfriends (because once you got married, things were boring). My favorite Barbie outfit (which I can't find a picture of) was a bright pink going-out dress that looked like a Spandex bodysuit with a giant tutu attached to it. Man, oh man.

I totally had this Barbie doll.

And this Barbie Jeep.

And, in my spare time, when you know I wasn't totally trying to impress Jana, I would read American Girl books.

Felicity was my favorite.

And then when I got a little older (you know, the ripe old age of 11) and decided that I needed to read about more grown-up things, I started on the Sweet Valley High books. Those are such gems.

Those books really taught me what to expect when I went to high school. All the drama with friends and boys and crazy parties. You know, all that stuff that I experienced in high school.

And I also never nonchalantly worked my way through Anna Karenina for about two months or so.

So, while I may not have memories of different video game systems, game books, and television shows like Marcus does, I was getting done as a kid. Super getting it done.

Blizzard! Blizzard! Blizzard!

2008-03-01T11:06:00.005-05:00

The Scrabble computer cheats, and it loves to do it. It's not the best at it, though. The best cheating computer characters are from a time of joy in my life, and by "joy," I mean "rage and violence," specifically toward the games.

Super Macho Man?

I found no pictures of you from Super Punch-Out!!, perhaps because you are hiding from me, perhaps because of the two or three times I might have completely broken that SNES cartridge by slamming it into the ground.

(Hey, Justin, do you remember the time I accidentally "dropped" Earthbound? Me, neither. It was a shame that it broke so badly from such a short drop.)

There are other cheaters in the world of computers, most notably from Mario Kart 64 and every incarnation of Madden, but I just wanted to post a picture of Super Macho Man and a picture of the video game characters that caused my big brother to get so angry one afternoon at our grandmother's house that he kicked the NES and broke the front of it off:

Because computers cheat.

2008-03-01T10:51:00.006-05:00

I became addicted to the Mac Scrabble we bought, and I've played something like 200 games against the computer. At the higher levels, I lose horribly (as the computer consistently draws the highest scoring tiles and then invents the word QIZAXY for 750 points), so I just play the Veteran AI over and over again.

So, in the interest of documenting events even my wife doesn't care about, I just pulled this board off:

And here is both my final score and the series of three turns in which I did the best:

Oh, Bee. What are you feeling right now? What emotion is that etched into your metal-bee face? Is it wonder? Horror? Despair?

Let's see:

What makes you tick, Bee? What do you feel when you see DRAINER played? Is it an emotion you can quantify? Do you write about it in your journal late at night before you plot your next attempt to play WZOQY for 300 points?

How's that poetry?

2008-03-01T10:39:00.007-05:00

We have a dry-erase board here where we leave notes for each other, and Catherine has left me the following this morning:

I am the cook
Good teeth, strong stomach with you be!
And once you have got down my book,
You should get on with me.
- Freddy Nietzsche

But I have a question: Did Nietzsche ever have a feeling? About anything? Or was he just kind of going through the motions? Especially about Wagner. No feelings there.

BONUS FOOTAGE OF WAGNER:

Flawless victory.

2008-03-01T10:27:00.003-05:00

While my wife folds the laundry, I'm watching Lasagna Cat, and I had a very specific reaction to this one. I think you should skip watching that, though, and spend some time here:

Thirty seconds into that video, I knew I'd found a kindred spirit. Here's a little thought experiment:

How would you make the perfect film? And by "perfect," I mean a film that scores 100/100 on any imaginable scoring rubric. A paragon. A movie with flawless acting, music, plot, and so on. How would you do that?

1. Cast Sam Neill
2. Find real dinosaurs
3. Hire John Williams
4. Film

Well, that movie exists. It is called Jurassic Park.

BONUS FOOTAGE FROM THE SAM NEILL LINK:

Listen to the music in that tribute. Think about the kid who made the tribute. But seriously think about the music. And how much time had to have been spent scouring the Internet for the right photos.

DAVIS has joined your party.

2008-02-28T17:58:00.002-05:00

The happiest I've ever been on a school morning -- mornings that are normally filled with only dread and coffee -- was yesterday when I found this:

Garfield Minus Garfield

I'm at a loss for words to describe it, so just go. Visit. Please.

And then visit this:

Lasagna Cat on YouTube

Again, no words for it. Just joy.

Only my brothers will appreciate the following video, but I've watched it over and over again, each time feeling more like it's the greatest creation in the history of both video games and videos:

Learning to love what ya got.

2008-02-24T20:41:00.007-05:00

Well, not what we got. What celebrities got. And we're not going to have time tonight to discuss everything, or to put any more words in italics. So no discussion of this useless woman, despite how much she might fit the conversation, or of Miley Cyrus, who unfortunately did show up to the Oscars still looking pretty much like this. (Not sure how that fits the discussion, but I can't get over how Miley Cyrus looks in every photo.) No discussion of how Daniel Day-Lewis has the best facial structure in the world, as well as the worst taste in clothing, although his pictures on Getty Images (that's for the Oscars) are as awesome as always.

We really just have time for two things: Viggo Mortensen's beard and Christina Aguilera's breasts.

First, the beard, from tonight's Oscars:

That is the hottest beard a man has ever grown. It just might be. It's nearly flawless. Look at it again:

It has no flaws. And the amazing thing is that when he played the greatest character in the history of the world -- not in literature, because it was literally the history of this world -- he didn't grow this. He could have grown this beard. Instead, he grew this:

Good thing Peter Jackson didn't ruin anything else about the character, huh? Ha ha ha *cough* *choke* *stab*

Next, breasts! See, Christina Aguilera had a baby recently. It doesn't matter anymore what she used to look like, or even that she was pretty chesty as a pregnant woman, because now she looks like this:

And if you don't have time to watch the whole thing, there are pictures all over the Internet right now, because no one can believe she pulled those out:

It is not physically possible for a woman to be that petite -- and she is roughly four feet tall -- and have breasts that engorged. ("Engorged" is Catherine's word, so it's okay. She says, "They look like they're about to explode.")

So the moral here? Marcus wishes he had that beard and Catherine wishes she had those breasts so very badly that it hurts.

If you asked me to.

2008-02-24T09:05:00.003-05:00

Last night, because my wife adorably loves all things James Bond, we watched Timothy Dalton in A License to Kill. It is a very long movie that boasted some of the very best acting I have ever seen, if "very best" means VERY, VERY BEST. I wish that I had ever had a girl in love with me to the point where right when she sees me making out with another girl at the party we went to, she runs away crying and hugs herself all alone, and then she's Carey Lowell, and then we jump in the water and make out, because she's already over the crying part.

Oh, and the opening credits to this James Bond movie? See if you can find the motif the director employs, and also notice that this was PROFORMED by Gladys Knight, you adorable Internet kids:

Hint: The motif is nipples.

Anyway, this is all by way of preamble. You see, the movies ends with another hit song, this one by Patti LaBelle. It's called, "If You Asked Me To," and Catherine let me know immediately, as it began to play, that it was covered by Celine Dion. We found the Celine Dion cover on YouTube, watched it, and went to bed.

This morning, I woke up with "If You Asked Me To" playing in my head. It played through breakfast. It played through the first Scrabble game of the day. It is playing right now. And I have been singing it the entire time.

I tried to exorcise it by watching the video again:

I don't even know if I like the song...

PS: Maybe you've never known about a choice in hair style. But Patti LaBelle has.

2008-02-22T22:25:00.001-05:00

We have discovered a horrible thing. www.goodreads.com is consuming us. It's the most addictive and awesome website. We can't stop thinking about books we have read. Join, and add us as your friends!

Happy Valentine's Day!

2008-02-14T21:08:00.003-05:00

We spent our evening watching Once, which is beautiful, and trying to make Marcus feel less like he's going to get sick than he currently does. Because every day in teaching is Valentine's Day, only instead of chocolate, the students give disease.

He's also writing this, which means he's officially talking about himself in the third person.

This is probably our favorite song from the film (although the clips are cut from various places in the story):

It's only 90 minutes long, so it's worth the time. It sat here in our apartment, on loan from NetFlix, for a good three weeks, but tonight it won out over Resident Evil: Extinction.

We also found this list of the top fictional couples of all time (all on one page here). It could have been wrong, like almost every list ever made -- and, oh, I still have a special place in my heart for the Wizard list of top cartoons that put Neon Genesis Evangelion at something like number 80 -- but instead it is awesome.

It's got Midnighter and Apollo! Buffy and Angel, too. And even Gaius and Number 6 from Battlestar Galactica. So while Catherine has no experience with those three things, Marcus is thrilled. And back to the third person.

No, really, about the list: If they're going to include truths like that, it's okay if they also include serial brain-eater and horse-face Carrie Bradshaw and Detective Nolan from Law & Order. Plus, they have Ron and Hermione! (Wait -- Catherine hasn't read the last three of those books, either.)

Another secret you might glean from the list is that if you haven't seen Brokeback Mountain, you need to go ahead and rectify that one. We resisted it for a long time, but it's actually as good as advertised. Mostly for Heath Ledger, who is devoid of emotion for the entire movie. It's like watching a cardboard cutout for two hours. Literally no emotions.

Anyway, here was my plan -- Marcus' plan? I can't remember how I was writing this -- for when Brokeback Mountain was still in theaters. (It didn't work that well when I was watching it with just Catherine, but I still gave it the ol' college try.) I figured on waiting through the whole movie, which is replete with sex and intimacy and such things, and then at the very end, when there's one final, touching moment, standing up and yelling, "Wait, are them queers?" while pointing at the screen in horror. Also in a Southern accent, inexplicably.

On that note, a happy Valentine's Day to everybody!

Freezie KO.

2008-02-12T18:48:00.000-05:00

I could post these videos all day. No, really -- they all make me happy.

Once upon a time I recorded about four hours of myself playing Mortal Kombat 2 for SNES -- mostly a series of truly awesomely inept attempts to do fatalities -- and then sent it to my big brother, who needed to see it. (He didn't have the game OR a way to see me perform all the fatalities, because he was in college.) And that's what they call brotherly love.

The secret is that watching video games is awesome. And YouTube knows it:

These games blew my mind, once upon a time. I mean right now.

But... if we're going to talk about a time that might have been had watching video games, here's all I can offer:

Memories.

In the rain or in the snow!

2008-02-12T18:33:00.000-05:00

If I ever got a rap concert -- you know, one where I was doing the rapping -- I would just freestyle like Parappa in this video (don't worry, you just have to wait a few moments to get to it, and those moments will be the most awesome moments of your life):

I never got Cool on that last stage, but I could get it on this one and on the one below, which is making me so nostalgic:

And you were right, if you thought that somebody posted a video making Parappa say, "MIX the crack." Yep. Done that. Meant it.

What's the best, though?

What do you guys know about Justin and Charlotte wrecking that game?

All right; we're here, just sitting in the car.

2008-02-12T18:12:00.000-05:00

I love the word catawampus. It's terrific that Blogger has no idea what to do with it, but even Dictionary is quick to note that the word is "chiefly Midland and Southern U.S." in origin and usage. Which means the fact that I keep forgetting to introduce into my classrooms, which are predominantly haunted by Yankees, is sort of a missed chance. Kind of like a road less traveled by.

(My favorite idiosyncratic miscommunication in class is my saying, "Okay, put that work up," and the kids interpreting that not as "away" but as "into the air." Oh, Northerners. Just you wait till the South rises again.)

On my way home -- speaking of school and roads -- the sky opened up a nice can of near-death on me. The snow/slush/ice mixture (which was truly expert in its concoction, I have to say) caused traffic mostly to crawl along at twenty miles an hour. Toward home, in the neighboring bit of local highway, the line of cars was screaming along at about five miles an hour.

And that's the speed of near-death!

See, I panic in snow. Or ice. Or rain. Any precipitation makes me kind of freak out. As I passed the grocery store around here, I was crawling at perhaps five miles an hour, and I was also perhaps five car lengths behind the car in front of me. Which, as it turns out, is just enough space to avoid death (or score near-death, as it were).

I tried to brake -- I think that's what I'm supposed to do at a red light -- and my car did not agree with that decision. I pumped the brake, slowly lowered the brake, screamed, cried, closed my eyes... and the car just didn't stop. So I went onto the sidewalk, literally caused a pedestrian to move out of my way (he didn't jump -- I was moving too slowly), ran a red light, and continued on, catawampus as anything (see, there it is!) through the busy intersection.

If I hadn't gone to a happy place in my panic, and if I had been going a bit faster, it might have been awesome. Instead, it was not awesome.

And that's why my wife is being picked up at the train station by a cab and not her loving husband. What a prince she married! What a rose garden she's been given!

More importantly:

I definitely watched all of this. All the way through.

Your lips are venomous poison.

2008-02-09T19:19:00.000-05:00

When we got married, I had this plan to play the following song on the piano and sing the lyrics to my new wife. At the very least, I wanted to read the lyrics as my wedding vows. That got axed, of course, but we just watched the video for the first time together.

Here it is.

I love this song, and I am absolutely not kidding. The video is only okay -- until the very end. Around the 4:07 mark (after Alice Cooper attacks that chair like he hates it), there's a reveal worthy of the movie Saw, only this one makes perfect sense. And Alice Cooper with the poison vial. And the last shot of some kind of edifice.

I love you, Gerald Cooperberg.

Look at the big actor on the stage!

2008-02-07T20:42:00.000-05:00

We can give Ewan McGregor his due, but the real husband's in the next clip here. And what he's talking about is a little something called acting:

Justin might want to take some notes.

It's too bad Extras is a terrible show, though. How about some Patrick Stewart, while we're at it?

What is with the face-kicking recently?

2008-02-03T21:34:00.001-05:00

Tonight, while Marcus was watching the Superbowl streaming on our computer in the back, I had to decide what I was going to do with three hours or so that I perhaps would not do with him around. I didn't have any homework, but I couldn't watch Numb3rs or South Park like I would normally do (as that would be all together too much for our internet connection). So, while meandering around the front room of our apartment, I ended up in front of our movie collection. Glancing through, I spotted Moulin Rouge, which, for no adequate reason, I had not yet seen in its entirety.

Now, Ewan McGregor has always been my ultimate man, like Kate Winslet is my ultimate woman. Seeing him in Star Wars I-III

and Big Fish

was enough for me to want to kiss him on the mouth. His smile makes me melt inside.

So. I watched Moulin Rouge. There was no way that I could have prepared myself for the the gut-punch that I received when he smiles after singing the line "The hills are alive with the sound of music" for the first time. There was no way for me to know the depths to which my heart could sink when he wails in despair as Satine dies. [I did not believe many of Nicole Kidman's lines or feelings. But I believed every single one of Ewan's. He is the only reason this movie was fantastic. Him and the visuals. There were some feelings there as well.]

But. There are no possible words for me to express my intense joy as I watched Ewan sing (not just heard him sing) for the first time. I couldn't wipe an awe-stricken, child-like, puppy-love smile off of my face.

Things are just so magical lately. I am loving it.

An arm sag.

2008-02-02T15:59:00.001-05:00

How am I spending the time before Nicole comes over to visit? Making anagrams.

First and last names only, a definition, and then the best picture from the first page of Google images for the anagram:

My best one's mace usurer, which I like to imagine means I lend mace (maybe the kind with this in it) at an exorbitant interest rate. Or do I spray people in the face and then take their money?

Mace usurer

My wife is hatched ironware. Metalworks from eggs? Wikipedia thinks I mean "ironmonger,"but I don't. Ironmonger was the last name of a girl on whom I had a wicked crush at age 16, leading to some of the more embarrassing moments of inept wooing I've ever produced (which is saying an awful, awful lot).

Hatched ironware

My big brother's full name produces eerily rebel nuke, which I guess is a nuclear weapon that is rebellious in an eerie way.

Eerily rebel nuke

My sister yields creature hotel. That is easily the best one yet and needs no explanation.

Creature hotel

My little brother gets injure suet, so he hurts animal fat. That works pretty well.

Injure suet

And since she's going to be here in a few minutes, assuming I finish this so we can go to the train station, Nicole gets beeline crock. Not sure what that means, but Google says:

Beeline crock

Confusion abounds

2008-01-31T17:10:00.000-05:00

I know that I already posted today, but I have something I really need to discuss.

Marcus and I read last year the Top 99 Women from AskMen.com. Just because we were bored. And why not take 20 min to point out how all these women who are supposed to be chosen for their intelligence, talent, and personality are actually chosen for two different characteristics. Characteristics which are extremely obvious in these photos. Characteristics which are basically falling out of the bikini tops they try to pass off as shirts. Every once in a while, you'll get a skeletor like Natalie Portman or Keira Knightley. But mostly, you have British glamour models -- aka "I'll take off my top for any reason"-- and Victoria's Secret lingerie models.

So, in the spirit of tradition, Marcus and I were glancing through this year's list. Nothing much had changed. You still have all the busty women you could ask for. All of whom are touted for being "talented" and "model-turned-actresses" after appearing in one or two terrible movies or television shows. So, imagine our surprise, when the number 1 woman of the year for 2008 was this mediocre, loud mouth, who isn't necessarily big-busted OR attractive. Just boring. And a chain-smoker.

Really? The most attractive woman in the world? Really? Hmmm...

Plus, as the cherry on top of the poop sundae, Kate Winslet wasn't even on the list this year. That is an absolute travesty. She has always been my ultimate woman, but watching her on Extras was a revelation for me. Are you telling me you would not want to spend every waking moment with this woman? I would. This scene comes after her conversation with the female extra about how to give good phone sex. This is her follow-up conversation which goes awry.

Now, I feel a little high.

2008-01-31T09:06:00.001-05:00

After losing weight and getting in shape last semester, I decided to make my New Year's Resolution to run a marathon this year. So I couldn't flake out, in the second week of January I signed up and paid for the marathon in June in Lake Placid, NY. I am super psyched, but this idea of "training" does not particularly appeal to me.
I have never been much of a runner. I am more like this

than this

So today, I was scheduled to do my longest run -- five miles. To some people, that might not seem like a lot. But I have never run five miles in my life. Ever. I have never been chased by a cheetah or wild boar, so there has been no need for me to run for my survival. Luckily, one of the girls who works in our fitness center at school has taken a liking to me and met up with me this morning to work out together. Avi has been running for a long time, so she has a stockpile of knowledge that she shares with me when I ask. The gem I received today was the perfect last mile song.

For me, the first mile is killer. I struggle to get into the groove, and I have to wait until after the first mile for the adrenaline to kick in. The second and third miles are nice and breezy. I still have energy in my muscles, and it just feels like I am cruising along. During the fourth mile, I start to sweat profusely, and I can feel my cells beginning to fill with lactic acid. Today, my first fifth mile, I discovered a new hell which I did not know existed. I had to keep running because I knew that if I didn't make my foot move, I would faceplant into the treadmill. There would be no gradual slow down or gentle jog. I would smash to the floor. And that would be slightly embarrassing.

Avi knows that last mile struggle, and at about 4.4 miles, she found the remedy on her iPod and plugged it in to the weight room sound system. At top volume, she blasted "Defying Gravity," hopped on the treadmill next to me, and ran with me, waving her arms like a crazy person. It was one of the perfect moments of my life.

In case you are in the mood for a hamburger.

2008-01-24T17:20:00.001-05:00

This is exactly what it is like working in a fast food restaurant. Including the dancing. And the sunglasses.

Like shooting puppies with a BB gun.

2008-01-23T18:35:00.000-05:00

That's actually kind of disgusting right there.

So maybe dentist's don't have the highest suicide rate around, which is what I was told on my way out of school today. Still a strange profession. While I was being hurt on the dentist's chair today, I thought about how strange it would be to have conversations with patients the way they do. Snippets of information gleaned from incidental questions: "What grades do you teach?" or "Do you like the cold weather?" Getting answers around tubes, clamps, razor blades and whatever else he tortured me with today.

I am pretty excited about the weird eye-of-the-hurricane thing I've got going on right now. They had to juice me twice to numb the pain around the root of my tooth, so I can't feel anything in that general area of my face. Except for the pain in my tooth. That's pretty much still happening. So it's exactly like the eye of a hurricane, only not at all.

Have to go back for a permanent crown in two weeks. That'll be nice.

Between the dentist trips (four in one month after averaging just around zero for the last six years), the Regents grading, the essays that won't disappear no matter how hard I think at them, the blah blah blah... I have turned into a giant crybaby.

But not the awesome kind:

If only I had that spit curl. And Sam Giles' beard.

News

2008-01-22T20:41:00.000-05:00

Josh and Heidi are having a baby! We are both so very excited with this news. This of course means I want a baby, but all Marcus wants is Sam Giles' beard.

He says its basically a toss-up between the two for him. Josh and Heidi are going to have such a pretty baby!

In other news, today was the first day of my internship. It went amazingly well. My supervisors and the director of the gallery were all supportive and encouraging. It looks like I will have a lot of responsibility as the development intern, but I will also be getting experience in many different areas of the gallery. Exciting news for next week-- Exit Art rents out its space for Fashion Week, which I will be helping out with. Sometimes I have to pinch myself when I realize that I actually work and go to school in New York. Fingers crossed that it keeps going well.

My classes start tomorrow. The biggest parts of my semester will be devoted to creating work for my senior show and my nonprofit business plan. Marcus is helping me articulate my ideas and compose a thesis for the exhibition in May. My first crit is in just a few short weeks, so I am going to have to get my rear in gear. I mean, I am not going to have to work at all because all my work is going to consist of poop in a can.

Movie review!

2008-01-20T21:04:00.001-05:00

We watched Sunshine tonight, and here is our review:

Catherine found her perfect way to die, which is exploding in the center of the sun while creating a new star. Joy and warmth. And sunlight. It's actually all she wants.

I found a perfect feeling of imperfection. The movie was great, sure; it's pretty awesome-looking, and that was just the Human Torch! Ha ha ha!

No, seriously.

But where was Sam Neill?

I ask because I already saw this movie, only it was called Event Horizon, and it starred Sam Neill and Larry Fishburne. I don't think I need to tell you that Sam Neill is the greatest actor of this generation. Here's just a sample from his IMDB page:

Jurassic Park
Jurassic Park 3
Event Horizon

I know!

Anyway, Sunshine was the same movie as Event Horizon, only all dark instead of all light. And trying hard, where you could tell the actors had seen the script ahead of time. And no Sam Neill looking like this:

No, SERIOUSLY.

So, all in all, I'd give Event Horizon five stars.

You wouldn't understand.

2008-01-20T13:42:00.000-05:00

I need this online so I can email Justin.

One day there will be an epic post about Rage here. That will probably be the day my wife leaves me for greener pastures.

Cloverfield!

2008-01-19T16:28:00.000-05:00

The wife and I just got home from seeing Cloverfield, and while she left with only a headache (the camera is on crack for most of the movie), I left with joys in my heart. It's awesome. Since I've always loved monster movies, I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

The monster is fantastic. I don't know how to describe it, but it's a get.

The real get, though? The real star? Michael Giacchino. The movie is without a score until the credits (to uphold the "found footage" conceit), but Michael F. Giacchino got to write the "overture" for the end. And write he did. He packed a whole movie score into those seven minutes, and by "movie score," I mean "exploding movie score."

Here's the thing. As the overture (called "Roar!" of course) started, I told Cat, "This guy has played a few video games in his time." Click on that link up there, and here's what you find out: He started on video games. That's how he got to working with JJ Abrams.

So what you have there at the end of the movie is a video game soundtrack -- but not just a video game soundtrack. There's an opera woman going to town, a couple dozen timpanis, some oboes, some tubas, a couple of moments where I am positive that the entire orchestra is looking at a blank score and just making it up...

I'm serious when I say that even though the movie was outstanding, Mikey Giacchino's epic video game at the end is the winning moment. He's also never heard of Ennio Morricone, if you're into that kind of thing. Or specifically the video game Final Fantasy VIII, if that brass section is any indication.

Just an amazing afternoon all around.

Time to watch Friday Night Lights! It's the best show ever.

Oh, Tim Riggins. Are you made of feelings? Not like Michael Giacchino's music is!

Fire at will.

2008-01-16T05:59:00.000-05:00

I've never been nostalgic...

...for Megalon!

Megalon has won. I repeat: Megalon has won.

For serious, though. Justin and I used to watch TNT's Monstervision at all hours of the night on weekends, so I've seen all of the old monster movies you could name. That's why we're going to see Cloverfield this Friday.

Well, not Justin and me. He's busy. In Nepal.

But Catherine is a good monster-movie date. For the screaming and wanting to leave! I will give her popcorn, and it will buy me some time.

Maybe you would like to imagine the feelings behind some of these designs:

Giant Monster Movies - Monster Index

But who won this round?

Manda? Like Amanda, the girl I was in love with for my entire childhood?

That is Falcor from The Neverending Story, only blue. See:

NEARLY IDENTICAL.

We need a good assassination.

2008-01-10T18:42:00.000-05:00

I teach a semester course called Media Studies. We study the media. TV and stuff. This semester, I feel like I wasn't really hitting the mark, so I'm going to walk in at the end of this month to a set of fresh faces, turn off the lights, and show all of Newsies.

And that's it. I bet some smart aleck kid will say, "Do we have an assignment?" So I'll say, "I guess I wasn't clear. Let me try again." And then I'll show the whole movie again.

I just wish my sister had watched the movie every day when we were in high school. Then I might know that Pink Shirt can hit that note. And that Mush is the secret husband of the movie.

And about Spot Conlon.

Impure thoughts.

2008-01-10T18:33:00.000-05:00

I know I said "till death do us part" and all, but have you seen this?

In my heart, I'm already cheating.

True story.

2008-01-10T18:29:00.000-05:00

When I was in eighth grade, before we left good ol' Pulaski County for greener pastures, my circle of friends read American Psycho. Not, you know, in a Book Club or anything. Just one after the other. Despite -- since I read it first -- my warnings that it wasn't cool. Even to an eighth grader who would have been blown away by the graphic sex. Because in addition to the graphic sex was the, um, torture. The graphic torture.

So this is way funny:

I'll get there.

2008-01-08T16:51:00.000-05:00

Every day in teaching is a fun adventure in sitting and standing. Sometimes I get to combine both in one action-packed period. And sometimes -- just sometimes -- I get to walk from one classroom to another classroom where I recommence sitting and/or standing.

Walking, sitting, standing. By the end of the day, I am exhausted! You might wonder, "Teaching sounds like lumberjacking, only you're probably more ripped than a lumberjack!" First of all, "lumberjacking" is not a word according to Blogger. Second of all, I am not ripped. Isn't that weird? I forgot to mention that I'm usually holding a book while I'm sitting and/or standing -- yet no ripping has occurred.

To take matters into my own hands, I am scouring YouTube for the right exercise video. Since I have something in the neighborhood of ten minutes free to exercise before getting back to grading and/or existential collapse, I need something condensed.

First question: How do I get the long lean legs I've always wanted? Also a British accent?

Second question: When it says "the level at which [I] feel comfortable," does that include the way the music and spandex decisions in 8-Minute Abs make me feel? Because that feeling is not comfort.

Third question: Not a question. Just an answer:

Paul Eugene, you dynamo. Why did you disable commenting? I have so much to tell you!

More like "Heavenga."

2008-01-04T18:50:00.000-05:00

Why, yes, I will watch the new American Gladiators when it debuts. No, I don't have a TV. But I can watch it in my mind, because I have visited the website.

Would you like to learn about feelings and how to express them? Here is a helpful guide.

Step #1

Step #2

Step #3

Catherine's girl crush.

2007-12-22T10:25:00.000-05:00

I like that I haven't updated this thing in roughly two weeks. That's the real joy of teaching, you know: not just the lack of time but the crippling sick that comes with being around disgusting children all day. Right now, I seem to be passing an uber-cold back and forth with my wife. I stayed home with it this week, and I never take off for sickness. I might BE sick, but I'll go to school. I'll add my little contribution to the Petri dish that is that building.

Anyway, Catherine's girl crush is Cheryl Hann from Picnicface. It's adorable. She's at the end of this gem here:

Women in Comedy

But the real victory is here, if you can appreciate the music until Dragon Mummy appears:

Insomnia

2007-12-19T22:43:00.000-05:00

For the past few nights, I have been unable to fall asleep at a decent hour. Initially, I was bogged down in exams. Now, I am recovering from the plague that Marcus brought home from school. So... here I am... nowhere close to sleep, stuck with Zombie Horse-Face in Sex and the City and the crying baby upstairs. Luckily, though, that husband of mine is curled up in bed right next to me. He has been a sicky for the past week or so, but he always comes through for me, whether I am terrified of failing an exam or losing my mind from trying to keep all the holiday planning straight. I could never have imagined that I would find a person as funny, caring, generous, or handsome as this bobbin to spend my life with.

Willy

2007-12-05T21:38:00.000-05:00

Just thought I would share a random new artist I learned about today. Mr. William Kentridge is a South African artist of European descent. His father was the legal representative for the family of Steve Biko and Winnie Mandela, Nelson Mandela's wife. So, Kentridge grew up with the constant awareness that his skin tone gave him immense privilege. In the early 90s he decided to start taking photos of his drawings in progress, leading to these films called "drawing projections"-- he refuses to label them animations. You can tell that the images come from a single drawing, edited and rephotographed. The traces of whatever he has erased and changed make the drawings that much more beautiful. In this film, you can tell when he has smoothed some transitions between photos, but all in all, his technique is fantastic to watch.

In October, I went to a show at the Kyle Kauffman Gallery in the city and randomly ran across one of his prints. I remember standing in front of it for at least fifteen minutes straight. And after I left, I couldn't get it out of my mind. Here it is, Studio Portrait, from the gallery's website. It is about three feet tall and two feet wide. Riveting.

I was so wrong.

2007-12-02T15:36:00.000-05:00

Julia pointed out one of my flaws. I forgot this young man:

Luca is unstoppable. How are those facial expressions? Fantastic is the answer.

Girls, girls, girls.

2007-12-02T11:40:00.000-05:00

This may be becoming excessive, I feel it is necessary to post my (musicians) wives as well.

1. Christy

For goodness sakes, this girl has reinvented herself three times.

A. Pop singer

All embedding was disabled, so here is the link to "Genie in a Bottle": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WG_m6h-XvMo&feature=related

B. Sex pot

C. R&B singer

D. 40s jazz singer.

This woman has the ultimate voice, better than anyone else I can think of in music right now. Plus-- she is having a baby, and looking fantastic while doing it, with a rat man. Whom she loves!

2. Sarah

This woman knows how to sing a tune. She also knows how to dress. And win my heart.

You had a goal, but not that many

2007-12-02T11:17:00.000-05:00

You may have thought that after yesterday, we would take a break from the blog. But no. It's snowing outside, which means that it is the type of day when one doesn't get off the couch.

I don't know how many of you know my ultimate (musician) husband list, so I thought that today I would share that list with you (in no particular order).

1. Biggie

The actual husband seems to think that it is adorable that I love Notorious B.I.G. But it is not adorable. It is for real. That voice? Can you stop it? No. You can't. I would have married him, anytime, anyplace. Granted, I'm not much for hos or hustling or skunk, but I will go out on a limb and say, for you Biggie, I would do anything.

2. 2 Pac

One thing that I love about 2 Pac is that he can mean it when he tells men to respect women, and then, in his next video, only show women as sex objects. But he is a cutie. A super cutie. With some feelings.

3. Sir Elton

This song is possibly my favorite song of all time. And those glasses and bright sequin outfits take me back to middle school, when I would come home everyday, put on one of several Elton John records, and sing at the top of my lungs while doing my homework. As a bonus, it is also featured in one of my favorite movies of all time:

4. Louis

I don't know if anyone has had feelings like this gentleman. I would kiss his mouth.

5. Victor

You, sir, can rock my face twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.

2007-12-01T16:25:00.001-05:00

I will never disagree with anyone's excitement upon hearing Heart. However, this gentleman wins a heart like none other.

Paul Potts appeared on (and won) "Britain's Got Talent." His awkwardness, awful teeth, and crestfallen face when the judges don't immediately speak make my heart melt. I have never really listened to much opera, but what I do know can be powerful. Paul, however, is completely sincere, and I believe that is what makes people cry.

The piano.

2007-12-01T15:59:00.000-05:00

The piano explodes.

It explodes!

Oh, and Nancy Wilson? Cleavage much? Excellent work.

Somewhere in my life there is a dissertation on the transition in the marketing and music of Heart from the 1970s to the 1980s. I am so so serious about this.

Catherine's thoughts on the video: "This is overtly sexual. It's making me uncomfortable with all the cleavage and writhing on the floor and close-ups on their faces. They were so cute in the 70s! I can't see them like this!"

My thoughts exactly, except for I'm so comfortable, and I only want to see them this way.

One more Heart explosion.

2007-12-01T15:52:00.000-05:00

Right. When I was courting the wife, I had a few tricks up my sleeve. One of them was delivering her a letter that was, in its entirety, the lyrics to "Alone" by Heart. I arranged them grammatically so that they made sense, and I formatted it like a real letter. But Cat didn't know Heart at the time. She just thought she was getting a letter with these sentiments:

I hear the ticking of the clock
I'm lying here the room's pitch dark
I wonder where you are tonight
No answer on the telephone
And the night goes by so very slow
Oh I hope that it won't end though
Alone
Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone
you don't know how long i have wanted
to touch your lips and hold you tight
You don't know how long I have waited
and I was going to tell you tonight
But the secret is still my own
and my love for you is still unknown
Alone
Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone

Needless to say, revealing that this was a song was less awesome than Cat continuing to believe that I was a stalker. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the race was won.

PS: I did the same thing a few weeks later with the lyrics to "Glory of Love" by Peter Cetera. But she knew that one.

Every single second of the night.

2007-12-01T15:45:00.000-05:00

I know I said I'd leave it at two things with the video for "These Dreams," but we've just watched it again... and I need to make a few things clear.

The drummer in that video, who makes his triumphant entrance after the plaster horse head, knew he was taking you on a ride. Do you see those moves? That spin move? The pointing at you? I love him. What is he wearing? I love him.

But the real twist in this viewing was Cat noticing that the disembodied hands are coming out of grates in the floor. Why are they down there? What's going on here? I know that they love Heart -- I love Heart, and I would definitely reach up through a grate to touch Ann Wilson, even now, when she's 57 and post gastric surgery of some kind -- but I still feel like the audience might have been captured and locked up. Which is fantastic.

Heart explosion.

2007-12-01T15:27:00.001-05:00

Let's start with Nancy Wilson's mediocre guitar playing:

Here's some more video evidence of how listlessly she performed in the 1970s. Literally nothing is exuding from her soul.

For my money, though, you aren't going to get a bigger explosion of wife-ness than Anne Wilson in this video:

She is stealing my heart with her wiles! I love the drummer, too. And the way Nancy is just jamming over there to the side, totally loving how hard her sister is rocking the vocals.

Also, what is that song about? Feelings? Fish? I vote for "wifes." That is the plural.

Oh, but then.

Then my actual wife and I found this, which I remembered in part, but obviously not in full and total awesomeness. You... you have to brace yourself here. This is where it all peaked for them. Did they upgrade drummers? Yes. Definitely. Did they upgrade hair? Goes without saying. But there's so much more going on here that it almost defies description.

All we're going to point are these two moments:

First, 1:45 in, while she's singing about "words that have no form," Nancy Wilson, dressed like Jareth from Labyrinth, crawls up to a giant plaster horse head. In the middle of the desert.

Second, if you start watching at the 3:00 mark, you're going to see the guitar players fall backward into water while playing their guitars. Out of nowhere. You must see this. Don't worry, either; they magically rise out of the water a few seconds later.

Game, set, match.

Happy times

2007-11-28T22:08:00.000-05:00

Continuing with my recent affinity for Miss Janet, here is a good video I doubt that most people have seen:

This video is great and stands on its own. But it is really getting it done because her producer is channeling iconic images from Drum Magazine, Samuel Fosso, Malick Sidibe, and Seydou Keita. I hug all of those works of art, so this video just punches me in the face. If you ever need a jolt in the artistic-creativity bone, just learn about a little bit of South African, Nigerian, or Democratic Republic of the Congo history. And the fact that those artists had some feelings. And no time in which to share them.

*If you click on the Samuel Fosso link, you will go to the Jack Shainman Gallery page. One of my all-time favorite artists, El Anatsui, has a huge show coming up at this gallery in January. I'm a tad excited.

Holiday spirit

2007-11-28T22:00:00.000-05:00

If you need some motivation to join the festivities (and a way to waste some time), enjoy this gem:

We Hate Sheep. We Love Holiday Sweaters.

Time to embrace your inner tacky-elementary-school-teacher.

For keeps this time.

2007-11-25T20:33:00.001-05:00

That Jigglypuff has seen better days.

Just kidding. He's at the top of our first Christmas tree. His life just gained new meaning.

When I realized that I could rig a paper clip to perch Jigglypuff where an angel or star usual goes, I think my general reaction was that Jigglypuff is both an angel and a star.

Voila!

While I was searching for that video, I found... this. BRACE YOU SELFS.

Seriously this time.

2007-11-25T20:29:00.001-05:00

It's not as if the missing H fell off, leaving an empty space between the T and the ANKS. I'm also fairly certain the church had enough letters H to go around; the other side was doing just fine.

So I have deduced that this church sanctions the giving of tanks as presents. Or this church sanctions the attacking with tanks of others. In all things.

Like this guy:

That's my kind of church!

My version of Thanksgiving.

2007-11-25T20:25:00.000-05:00

"Hello, children! Buy a Christmas tree from me! Do you see how happy I am? Ha ha ha! I love to welcome the children!"

"SO I CAN EAT THEIR SOULS!"

Tanksgiving

2007-11-25T19:35:00.000-05:00

For our break, we decided to drive home to North Carolina to visit out families. We left on Wednesday afternoon and stopped over to spend the night in Baltimore; as always, Thanksgiving traffic was a treasure. We made it to Baltimore over an hour and a half later than we expected, but the hotel was comfortable enough.

In the morning, we headed down to my grandparents' farm north of Durham for Thanksgiving lunch. As we were one of the first to arrive, Marcus helped my mom deep-fry the Thanksgiving turkey (this is the first year this debacle was attempted-- luckily, no one died or was even severely burned in the process). Tim, my stepfather, had his yearly beer-- and two more-- so he was being overly helpful (and making some winning jokes).

After leaving the farm around three, having barely eaten anything, we headed over to Lee and Katie's for Thanksgiving dinner, where we had a delicious meal and some wonderful dinner conversation. Jenny, the oldest niece, read Table Topic questions, and we answered the questions one after another. Quickly, the girls got bored and decided to watch Disney Channel, while the adult conversation turned to family history, the ranking of presidents, and how war generals earn their stars.

We left Lee and Katie's fairly early, drove back to my mom's house, and passed out. The next day, Friday, we had a leisurely breakfast with my family, then took my little sister, Zoe, over to play with Jenny and Reagan. The girls watched movies, ate candy, played outside, and jumped on Jenny's bed. After the girls wore Zoe out, we drove back to the house and had dinner. Mom challenged us to a game of Scrabble, in which she, of course, trounced us both.

When we headed back to our room for a good night's sleep, we discovered Marcus' USB drive broken completely in two. A visiting friend had carelessly sat upon our computer, breaking off the USB drive connected to it. Needless to say, this resulted in serious panic. Marcus lost many of his school plans, but luckily a majority of the data stored on the drive was backed up on our home computer. Unfortunately, he still had to recreate several assignments and rubrics on top of the grading he still had to finish.

Saturday morning, we again had a leisurely breakfast then went with my parents to buy a Christmas tree for them and ourselves. Every year since Mom and Tim married, we have shopped at the same Christmas tree lot to get our trees. That lovely gentleman is the marker for the lot. Our apartment is extremely small, and we barely have enough room for our furniture, but Mom and Tim insisted we have our own live Christmas tree for the holiday season. We bought the smallest one on the lot, even though it was still a few inches taller than me. After rearranging the trunk and stuffing the tree inside, we headed to Winston-Salem to see if anyone could help recover the data from the USB drive. Unfortunately, it was hopeless, but we returned home for lunch and to help set up their Christmas tree. We left in the early afternoon, seeing this little gem along the way, and again stopped halfway, this time in Harrisburg, VA.

Sunday morning, we woke up early and got back on the road for the remainder of our trip. There was little traffic, although New Jersey drivers always make me want to gouge my eyes with a spoon. Of course, when I was completely exhausted from driving on only fifteen minutes from our apartment, traffic stopped completely. We moved at a snail's pace for over 45 minutes, but I found that this little lady is the solution for frustration:

*This was my first time watching the actual video, and how are her versions of Michael's moves? Got'em! Bide your time for 3:17.

So after some Janet and some tears, we made it home. After unloading the car and buying enough food to at least eat tomorrow, we set up the Christmas tree! It's a little beauty, made with old white lights and hand-me-down ornaments from my mom and Marcus' mom. We are both thankful for our loving and generous families. We are incredibly lucky.

And, of course, I wouldn't be married to the man I am if this little guy wasn't strapped to the top of our Christmas tree.

Every wish and dream and happy home.

2007-11-18T18:36:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time, I found an empty classroom at Wake Forest University while walking to my own class. This empty classroom had been readied for instruction, so the overhead projector was on and projecting a blank Word document onto a screen at the front of the room. Someone -- the teacher, I imagine -- had left his or her materials on the round table in the center of the room (which was a computer lab).

To help, I typed the lyrics to the theme song to Ducktales into the Word document. I enlarged the font so that it was easier to read. Then I left.

Once upon the future, I will have a band that plays music, and it will consist of my family, and we will cover this song almost exactly as it was written:

I will be so happy on that day.

Not ponytails or cottontails.

2007-11-18T18:19:00.000-05:00

We just love these. There are awesome guitars and feelings here. Try to guess which one of us picked each of these!

Websites.

2007-11-18T17:24:00.000-05:00

*As promised at the end of this ridiculous post, here's a more accessible link to Cat's website, which was marginalized by Marcus' ranting and raving like a madman.

The other day, the two of us were looking for something on our older computer (a workhorse that's just about ready for the glue factory) when we stumbled across the website Marcus built to help him get a teaching job. And since I'm Marcus, I can tell you that there is almost no explanation for why that website helped me get a teaching job. It only proves that I'm insane.

First of all, I built it on a server I bought a few years ago. Haphazardous.com has, right now, the school newspaper I helped the kids build this fall, some garbage assignments for my classes -- and, of course, a link through that image in the lower-right corner to my first reference to a Nintendo game. This has been here since I emailed my site to about twenty districts looking for work.

(Pressing "A" should actually make the picture advance. Once upon a time, I had some tricks up my sleeve...)

Anyway, this is how I landed my job. There is no way any of you are bored enough to read much of that, even though I can reason through deduction that you are very bored; you are reading this post, after all. But there is too much. Let me sum up:

The site map links to three gems that should have gotten me laughed out of any potential interviews: my Wake Forest site, a Japanese postcard and a portrait by my niece, Jenny. (By "gotten me laughed out of," I mean "gotten me elected superintendent, obviously.)

That portrait is actually such a winner that I will post it here:

That is such a keeper!

Anyway, it's my old Wake Forest site that puzzles me now. I got a Master's Degree in part by building this one. I don't know now whether it is cause for me to love myself or be very depressed...

If you go back to that main page, you can see a picture of me. By clicking on the eyes, there are secret pages to visit. What's not so hidden is all the craziness: the porpoise thing, the picture of the phoenix from Ranma 1/2 as a major link... I think you can just start clicking randomly and quickly find a reason or two not to put me in a classroom with impressionable youngsters.

(In the "cause for me to love myself" column, I put the "clay brick express dancing" page.)

The point might be that the only page I did remove was the one labeled "Personal" in the right menu, meaning that I felt something in there was somehow worse than the rest. But I was wrong. I should have kept that link; those would have been awesome phone interviews.

Here it is. It's still online, just inaccessible from the other site. Here's what I notice:

The music I must have posted at one point is gone, because I realized that my music is garbage and threw it back in the gutter, because the place for garbage is in the gutter, not my mind. There's a very small image in the bottom bar that links to real victory of the NES kind. And there are Marvel Series II cards.

(In this same, strange self-love/self-hate session, I found other cards I made over the last couple of years. Maybe I will get over myself long enough to post some of them -- the hip-hop cards or the Japanese folklore ones, probably.)

The cards I posted make me happy. There are ones for my siblings and some other crazy bits, and they all load in a separate window with a front and a back. I guess I was planning on personalizing the fronts for the last few, but I've never started a project and then abandoned it before.

Here's the card I made for my brother, in case you need a little enticing:

Oh, the suicide joke! I wish I could bring that back. Probably not appropriate for a high school teacher... or is it?

I just like that no one, the wife included, gets the affection with which that joke is delivered -- except for the siblings. Once upon a time, I was in hysterics on the floor of a lobby of a theater where my brother and sister and I were going to see the musical Rent; I was shaking, really, and I was in tears from laughing hard; and the whole thing was due to me repeatedly saying, "Have you guys heard about this crazy new craze that's sweeping the nation? It's called suicide." I miss them.

Before we go, let's post a real website. This is Catherine's portfolio and such -- with artwork, cuteness, dashing and daring -- and it has been updated in the last week or so with newness.

(I'm [Marcus again] going to put another link to her site up at the top of this ridiculous post.)

Still curious about this puma.

2007-11-15T19:20:00.001-05:00