Night on Fail Mountain.

Dear America,

I was serious when I said that I don't want to read about your politics anymore. I understand that you're retarded, okay? I didn't need to read this article about the Anti-Christ to know that. I really didn't need to glean from that article the fact that over 70 million of you have bought into the Left Behind series, the most super-retarded series of books ever published. Trust me on that one. I tried to read Twilight this summer, and it was a lot easier to get through the first few pages of derptastic tween vampire romance than the first few pages of derptastic fear-mongering. I mind-vomited through both attempts, so it was close, but you guys won it when you all graduated to live action and you slammed down a gauntlet shaped like Kirk Cameron's face:



Kirk Cameron is my second-favorite actor, because he is so good at making me believe that what is happening in front of him (and me) is really happening. My disbelief is expelled, sir.

Anyway, it's great to know that so many people are ready to point out the Anti-Christ for real. And that McCain's fail of irony is getting so much attention. He might have wanted to leave it to the super-retarded, but still. Good job, America.

Unfortunately, you got the wrong guy. The real Anti-Christ, as everybody knows, is my favorite actor, Sam Neill:



Gregory Peck was in The Omen, by the way. Believe that.

I hope you understand, America, that you are just like Satan at the end of The Omega Code 2. First, you're all hopped on cheap CGI and awesome ideas:



But then you get carried away, retarding it up like always:



That is totally how you are right now.

Huh?

Well, I think we are doing a fantastic job updating this thing. Sometimes, isn't everybody like, "Please! No more minutiae! Take a break already!" They are!

Here's why the world is going straight to Hell:

#1: The GOP is supremely evil and just as stupid, but neither quality has turned off the completely retarded America we know and love (second poll on the page).

#2: This girl is obviously a different kind of retarded, but she's not the fringe aberration we'd both wish for; she's a new breed of ignorant, entitled idiots who can't figure out why a dress like this would keep her out of prom. (Sorry, no links for that -- just a growing list of anecdotes from my daily teaching!)

#3: And exactly when did the term MILF become mainstream? I guess I don't care if 30 Rock wants to parody it, because they got it: It's demeaning to women. Way to go, Jodi Lipper and Cerina Vincent. Way to retard women some more.

Huh?