Things that make me irrationally angry.

I always hit the gray part. Also, Googling "toe" results in fewer pictures of what I expected -- that would be toes -- and more pictures of women in tight pants.

#1 Stubbing a toe
This one's obvious, I know, but that doesn't make it any less angrifying. (That is a word, Spell Check, and so help me God I will make you understand that.)
Basically, while walking daintily between one area of the world and another, I hit my toe. That's all. Or is that all? Look more closely! Time and space seem to bend around the toe-object nexus so that my toe manages to strike the object while the rest of my body avoids it; in addition, the toe manages to slam into the object with the equivalent force of me running at full speed and kicking the chair or table with all of the strength I can muster up. (And I'm not running when this happens. I can't run. My hips would shatter two steps into it.)
Reaction: Stabbing the chair or table to death, possibly with a rock. Cradling toe while sucking breath in between teeth. Lightly swearing.


Google! Are you listening to anything I'm saying? This is the wrong beard, Michael. So help me, you knew that. Also? Not an airbrushed photo. Or a depressing choice by a female athlete. This is neither of those.
NOTE: I am not to blame for this, wife! Google did it! I am innocent!
DOUBLE NOTE: Mostly innocent.

#2 Beard hair stuck in cell phone
Whenever my wife calls me (and only my wife ever calls me), I like to answer the phone. I like my wife. I like talking to her. And my cell phone lets me talk to her in many places, which I enjoy. What I don't enjoy is getting my beard hair stuck in the cell phone.
I position the phone in such a way that I can both talk and listen at the same time; I think that most people do this. When I'm finished with the conversation, I move the phone away from my face and hang up.
And every time I do this, one of the hairs in my beard has stretched itself out, lassoed itself around the hinge of the cell phone, and readied itself to be ripped out. It's not as if I hang the phone up in a furious sweep of my arm. It's also not as if I have a Karl Marx beard. The hair's getting ripped out in a beard-phone conspiracy and I am through with turning a blind eye.
Reaction: Biting the phone to death with my teeth. Or throwing the phone into the wall as many times as it takes. Bursts of expletives.


Nobody could have avoided that. Or the murdering afterward.

#3 Hitting a pothole
Sometimes, while driving, the wheel of my car will dip into a pothole, causing the car to bounce slightly. Sometimes hitting a curb while turning too closely to it will create the same effect; intermittently rough roads can also do this.
Reaction: The murder of the road and all cars on the road. The murder of my car and anyone in the car. Also cursing, if "cursing" means screaming inarticulately.