And I really just think that the world needs to take some notes on what winners look like.
I am the baby in red overalls to the left. What you can't quite make out is that my right eye is completely black (an unfortunate occurance which involved a refrigerator, a kitchen counter, and my eye socket). My mom is the prettiest woman. And that is a normal size for a family. Considering that this is just the first round of grandchildren...
The next round starts. I'm the kid on the top step, far right. I wish I still wore that outfit (especially the shoes). And had that hair cut.
But the ultimate get is my game face in this photo (you probably need to the Renuart site and click on the photo to get it full size in order to appreciate this). And that vest that I am wearing. I mean Jamie's pose (who is to the right). Really, it's Haley who was the cutest child. And Tim, who was never more than 10 feet away from her for about 6 years.
We have both been super blargh monsters with serious cold/flu things for the past week or so, but we just got great news that Josh and Heidi had their baby! Follow the links to see the tiny baby (born by c-section) and the happy parents. We are so thrilled for them and can't wait to meet Miss Izzie in person.
I must concede that Meatloaf did pose good competition with "I Would Do Anything for Love," but really. Can you top these two at once? A one-two punch. A duo of women who have brought us some of the cheesiest power ballads of all time.
I admit that it is nearly impossible to call, but in the end, how does Meatloaf not win? Even against Celine Dion. Look:
This is exactly how Cat and I met, except without all the lesbians (and the subsequent mirror-breaking), but definitely with the me being a monster and then there being a police detective in glasses and then we were riding off into the sunset. Also, however old I was when I first saw this, all I remembered was the lesbians. So awesome.
But then there's Meatloaf covering Celine Dion. So I guess he answered the bell:
Curse youtube for disabling embedding of Celine Dion. But I promise you it is worth it. It's got explosions, ghosts, storms, flashes of light. She is the unbeatable winner of my heart.
Cat and I just watched The NeverEnding Story, which I have just discovered is my favorite movie of all time, supplanting The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. You just can't beat something I first saw when I was five years old, Peter Jackson. I'm sorry.
I made sure Cat appreciated some of the better touches -- Bastian taking the attic key from its broken holder, Charlotte's cameo as Morla, the Ancient One -- and I also showed her the video for Limahl's "NeverEnding Story."
You have to watch it. Embedding has been disabled by request, which hasn't stopped 1.5 million people from watching this, so get to it. And then pay attention when it hits the 2:00 mark, because that's when magic happens. That image capture at the top of this post? That's the face Limahl makes while singing the chorus. Why is Limahl making an orgasmic/heroin face? Except kind of bored? Who's the woman in the background? How is this the best video you've ever seen?
Whoops. I passed out, missed most of Camp Rock, and now have a raging headache. Good thing that catching the first ten minutes and the last ten minutes of the movie are enough to provide the entire plot.
Also, Demi Lovato? No more dancing for you. Maybe I can't tell through the fog of my epic fail, but you and dancing are a no.
Let's go! Camp Rock! First, I plan on not learning how to differentiate the Jonas Brothers other than by arbitrary distinctions, such as which one is the gayest or the worst. In fact, I plan on treating this as a massive comparative experiment: Who is gayer, the Gay Jonas Brother or Zac Efron? (Just kidding, everybody. Zac Efron will never be topped.)
So far, I have no idea what the plot is. I failed at processing the beginning of the movie, so I'm now joining it as whats-her-name shows up at Camp Rock. There is a lot of screaming.
Cat and Juila were just having an argument with me about who's prettier: Vanessa Hudgens or Demi Lovato. At first, I was pretty much ready to fight about the fact that Vanessa Hudgens is a troll and Demi Lovato is cute. Then I realized that I'm 28 and what the hell am I doing? Also, music has finally started:
I feel like I'm watching Fame, but it's not as good.
We've now watched this scene three or four times in a row. It is the most incredible scene in the history of movies. If you gave me two years and a hundred thousand dollars, I might be able to break it down for you, but right now? Whew. I'll do my best.
You have this:
Which is more incredible in motion than here, even with the incredible fey thing his hands are doing. Toward the end, he also spins and jumps by some water:
Again, the still doesn't do it justice. Just remember that this is his angst-ridden, tough-guy song. This is it. Spinning in midair.
But the moment that shattered my belief that I could ever blog about this scene effectively is right here:
He is talking to his reflection. His face looks like this, and it is incredible. You are the better man, High School Musical 2. I concede.
BONUS: The Internet wins. While looking for pictures of Vigo, I found someone's opus, and here it is. You're welcome.
At this point, I feel like I've fallen asleep and am now dreaming one of my surreal dreams. Are they really in the pool? Is this what a date is like? Should I be taking Catherine to the pool and pretending to be a gay guy pretending to be straight? Romance is so confusing.
Whoa. I think I did fall asleep for a little bit. I will make it to Camp Rock, but it's safe to say that HSM2 is not holding my interest.
We're up to "The Music In Me," and all I can see (vaguely -- so many mudslides!) is that Kelsi is so alone. The gay kid and his ineptly lip-synching beard are making out in front of her TOTES UNINVITED (I am saying totes for the evening), and she's all alone. I would make you feel less alone, Kelsi.
Damn you, Troy, you know you're just leading Gabrielle on
It totally sucks to be the third wheel. Sorry. I mean that it totes sucks to be the third wheel.
And we are go on High School Musical 2. Gabriella still can't lip-synch (or sing), Troy is still gay, and I am fixing another blended explosion of whatever we bought today at the store.
Let's talk about Ms. Darbus, though (and I did have to look that up at IMDB, no worries):
There is not a high school teacher in this world who is not more excited than the kids for that last bell. We are salivating over it. But in movies, teachers take on one of three stereotypes:
1. The iconoclastic teacher who strives to inspire and huarargh vomit sounds. Robin Williams is the worst. Dead Poets Society is ass. No teaching is like this. I get that you make students and (dumb) teachers feel like they can make kids love learning. IT'S JUST THAT YOU'D MAKE A BETTER FOOL FOR SATAN, ROBIN WILLIAMS:
Shut your face, Robin Williams.
2. The young, inspirational teacher who is probably banging one of the students. They love this one on teen dramas. Because none of us is capable of being professional, you know. Mostly, we just go ahead and teach some children how to sin. All you have to do is smoke, get drunk or better yet, give illegal drugs or alcohol to under-aged children. Cheat, gamble, gossip, and live being as selfish as possible. Do all of this in the presence of children and they will do it too. Kids are like that.
3. Then there's Ms. Darbus, who is oblivious and/or inept. The teacher who can't relate, won't relate, stumbles around like a retarded person (oops), and so on. So nice, Hollywood!
Oh, and there's a fourth -- the super-mean teacher who abuses kids "in order to teach them." (Who am I quoting?) That's me, except I don't teach them anything. Except to be quiet when I'm reading the paper or napping.
Wait, there's a fifth type (don't give up on it; wait about 1:30 for the insanely long intro to yield SOLID GOLD):
IT'S JUST THAT YOU'D MAKE A BETTER FOOL FOR CHRIST.
I can't find pictures of Zac Efron in the amazing all-denim outfit he wore to "woo" Gabriella, even though that outfit alone made this movie night worth it. (Also, the vodka helps.)
Three years ago, I lived next door to a woman who wrote fan fiction for a living. She said she was part of a massive InuYasha fan-fic site, and people paid her to write things. I couldn't believe it then, and I feel bad about this now, but seriously:
Story Ideas:
1 Click Here:Gabriella Montez is a new student at east high. While she is there, she keeps an online private blog and writes about every new person she meets. What happens when her blog gets leaked to the entire student body and everyon starts to hate her? (troyella)~complete
2Summer Love: Gabriella Montez's family has a landscaping bussiness. When her family recieves a new client, will Gabriella find love? More importantly, will her brothers allow it?~complete
3Message Sent:Troy Bolton meets a friend online. Thinking that this person is no more than a penpal, he tells them all of his secrets and thoughts. What happens when this person is closer than he thinks? What will become of the friendship? More importantly, will he ever find out who the person is?~ sequel to Click Here~Complete
That just happened! (PS: Troy's secret thoughts are about boys.) Someone really meant that -- and dozens more stories -- and then, just when I was feeling a little guilty for picking on someone for his or her love of High School Musical... I found this:
A LETTER TO YOU FROM SATAN:
That's right. A LETTER TO YOU FROM SATAN. Exactly what you would expect next to HSM fan fiction. A couple of highlights:
Thanks to you, I'm really showing Him who's boss in your life with all of the good times we've had.We have been... watching dirty movies, cursing people out, stealing, lying, being hypocritical, overeating, telling dirty jokes, gossiping, being judgmental, back stabbing people, dis-respecting adults, and those in leadership positions. No respect for the Church, bad attitudes.
Hey! I like all of those things, too! But this is really worth the time for this part, which is now my motto:
So go ahead and teach some children how to sin.All you have to do is smoke, get drunk or better yet, give illegal drugs or alcohol to under-aged children. Cheat, gamble, gossip, and live being as selfish as possible. Do all of this in the presence of children and they will do it too. Kids are like that.
Kids are like that. Got me.
And then there's the closing, which is how I now plan on signing every email, personal or professional, from now on:
Don't get me wrong, I still hate you.
IT'S JUST THAT YOU'D MAKE A BETTER FOOL FOR CHRIST.
What is the appeal of Ashley Tisdale? Her head is enormous. It's mesmerizing. Also, her voice is completely inside of her nose. She sounds like Keith Sweat, only I don't like her, and I love Keith Sweat.
Voila:
Keith Sweat is my husband.
Also, I have to admit that Troy and Gabriella have the best sight-reading abilities I have ever seen. They are fantastic. And with perfect pitch.
Still, I have no trouble suspending my disbelief for that kind of thing. Or for the fact that Troy has no other outlet for singing -- no bands, for instance -- other than theater. I can't, however, suspend my disbelief to accept that Zac Efron likes a girl. He doesn't. He likes boys.
Look, I know that this is old news. But are you going to hate on somebody who discovers The Beatles (or even a band I don't think is horribly over-rated) for not having heard of them before? That's what this is. Zac Efron's attempt to play straight is the acting equivalent of The Beatles. If The Beatles were this.
Vodka Godiva chocolate liqueur Bailey's Irish Creme Cosmopolitan mix Mike's Hard Lemonade "Hint of Lime" Tostitos (declicious crack) Hummus Brie and crackers Pizza High School Musical High School Musical 2 Camp Rock
HOW CAN YOU KEEP UP WITH THAT.
Five minutes into High School Musical, I have two thoughts:
1. I can't believe that Cat and I had a date night to watch the premiere for which we cooked a lavish meal and had wine like we were seeing the opera.
2. Zac Efron is actually the gayest boy. Just watching him is confusing my sexuality, but not in the good way that Hyde does. Seriously, if you Google "Zac Efron," the second most popular search, after "Zac Efron," is "Zac Efron gay." Google proves it.
Hyde is an angel who came down to Earth to sing.
Also, how is this acting? I mean "acting"? So good. Like a clinic in acting.
Decent odds that's just a cover for an even more f-ed up story? Check.
Direct connection to insane, secessionist group? Check.
Insane belief that Creationism belongs in school? Check.
Evidence of being borderline retarded about American history? Check.
Wowsers, kids. It doesn't even matter who's pregnant with whom. This girl is a complete disaster, and I think this is least someone has ever been vetted for any job in the history of time. I am obsessed.
I am going to hunt you down, Other Me. And it will be just like this:
Excuuuuuuuuuuse me, Princess. How did I never see this until now? I can't even make it through the whole thing, it's so amazing. My brain just shuts down with happy. All the things to see and hear are in this. All of them.
PS: I chose that episode because it's named "Doppelganger," by which I mean because it is the best episode. Of any show ever.
I was serious when I said that I don't want to read about your politics anymore. I understand that you're retarded, okay? I didn't need to read this article about the Anti-Christ to know that. I really didn't need to glean from that article the fact that over 70 million of you have bought into the Left Behind series, the most super-retarded series of books ever published. Trust me on that one. I tried to read Twilight this summer, and it was a lot easier to get through the first few pages of derptastic tween vampire romance than the first few pages of derptastic fear-mongering. I mind-vomited through both attempts, so it was close, but you guys won it when you all graduated to live action and you slammed down a gauntlet shaped like Kirk Cameron's face:
Kirk Cameron is my second-favorite actor, because he is so good at making me believe that what is happening in front of him (and me) is really happening. My disbelief is expelled, sir.
Over at Jezebel, there's a post about the new Ecko ad campaign. Check it out, because America's done it again. I can't wait to teach that in my course on Media Studies! It's so much better than the other ad campaigns out there. Just kidding! Peta is always putting on a clinic when it comes to advertising. They are your winners.
Used to be I could wade through political blogs and news articles for hours. Now it just takes one Bob Cesca post and this video for me to throw up my hands (throw up in my hands?):
Seriously, now. You've lost your right to an individual opinion, America. If you're going to give that guy any traction, that's a whoops. And if you cast your votes for him, that's a whoops from me for shooting you in the face. Is this a secret test to determine who gets to stay in America/stay alive? So if you show up to the voting site and pick McCain, the secret police show up and say, "Congratulations, you epic failed!" and take you away? Please let it be so.
While I was thinking about it, I serendipitously found this:
My oh my.
1) Betty Boop needs to get some traction going in my life, that's for sure. 2) Mr. Nobody might be a smidgen racist. 3) I would totally vote for Mr. Nobody over Betty Boop, even with my unnatural feelings for Betty Boop. 4) I don't really have any unnatural feelings for Betty Boop. 5) These feelings are the most natural feelings in the world.
Additionally, the way the crowd boos in unison? Well. Also think about the ways in which Betty improves the country, including the Rube Goldberg machine that wakes up the weather reporter. I'm probably missing the humor. I'm slow. But I know that this cartoon is an example of how 1932 is better than now.
Also there's the guy in the electric chair, who is about to be executed at the 5:00 mark:
Normal brutal killer about to die In Betty's perfect America, he's given a makeover instead:
Horrible child-murdering killer about to unleash a horrible murdering of childs on Betty Boop's America
I vote for Betty Boop's utopia, 2008 America. Thank you for your time, though.
I just read John's post, which is fantastic, and I'm moved to update this thing. I especially appreciate John's inclusion of "Music of the Night," because there was a time when I was balancing NWA's Efil4zaggin with Phantom of the Opera (and a girl named Diana, who was no doubt confused by it all). I would come home, eat Bagel Bites, listen to "Real N***az," then play the first act of Phantom. What?
Anyway, I wanted to write about secret shames in music. I figure there's a formula of sorts here. One has to have loved it with a deep and transporting love; one also has to feel embarrassment over the intensity and subject of that love. It's not enough for the song to be tolerable and lame; Britney Spears' "Stronger," for instance, isn't good enough or embarrassing enough, even if it's made a half-dozen mix CDs for me in its time. I think it's a concatenation (what?) of the personal embarrassment one feels and any additional embarrassment relative context might give the song. I might listen to songs from 16-bit Japanese RPGs by myself, but Justin does, too, and Justin is awesome; also, that's a kind of niche cool. And I'm not embarrassed by it.
Not everything fits. While I feel a small measure of embarrassment at loving everything about this Poison song, it's very small. And seeing the video again reminds me what they were working with in the 80s. All viewers were just slapped with pathos. And how is the father's delivery of every line at the beginning? Watch his reaction to where his daughter wants to move and how soon; also, I think the mother is dead inside. Pathos? I wasn't going to embed every video, but man:
Actually, holy God, what just happened in that video. Did we all just lose? Was that in slow motion? The spitting? Oh, man. I saw Poison in concert when I was 10. That was when it peaked for me. One more thing on this video: the body language of the casting director (?) at 1:00. How's that lean across the table? She had no idea walking in the door what would happen.
Similarly, Alice Cooper's "Poison" is awesome, not embarrassing. True, it's cheesy; but only if "cheesy" means "awesome and filled with half-naked women around chains with no explanation and also snakes." And the thing is that I'm not talking about the video. That's the visual you get from the guitar alone.
Sometimes the embarrassment is contextual. For instance, I will never feel ashamed of how much I loved (love) S.E.S., and "Dreams Come True" is easily the happiest I've ever been. (Notice that I didn't say "listening to;" somehow I just mean that the song is the happiest I've ever been. Plus, late 90s South Korean CGI, everybody. I guess they're in space, and there are flowers and fairies, but also at the 36 second mark, a giant demon monster.)
I loved S.E.S. passionately up until their breakup, which followed treasures like "Just a Feeling," which is what I embedded above this. (Oh, Bada. I have a sticker of you in my wallet still.) Most people would call my love of this kind of music embarrassing, but I feel great about it. Once upon a time, I even hosted a radio show (for two years?) where I played S.E.S. and other Asian pop, rock and hip-hop (Drunken Tiger, L'arc-en-Ciel, Yoko Kanno).
Bonus S.E.S.: I own their first concert (called appropriately "First Concert: Sweet Kiss from the World of Dream"), during which your mind is blown. Each of them performs a "special," which is whatever they wanted it to be, I guess: Sea plays the piano and cries; Eugene dances to TLC's "Creep;" and Shoo does this:
There is an epic post of its own about that concert, which has the best camera work and singing and dancing. If it had been a middle school talent competition and not a sold-out concert in Seoul Arena for the most popular band in the entire country.
Bonus Korean girl group: M.I.L.K., which stands for Made in Lovely Kin (because of course), with "Crystal."
I have a deep and unflinching love for this song in every way, and the video. More CGI! Also, "my style and the crystal." That lyric rhymes and is in English. I think one day I will openly admit what I know in my heart, which is that M.I.L.K. made a better song than Dreams Come True. It just came into my life at the wrong time: a little too late for total commitment. Still: they are so good.
Double bonus pseudo-shame: move's "Around the World." I memorized every lyric to this syllabically, because I have no idea what it's saying. My dream is to perform it with Charlotte and Justin. Live. Justin would be the rapper, and I would play both drums (?) and keyboards; Charlotte would come in to sing the chorus.
In a similar contextual vein, my wife's reaction to learning that I love Enigma and especially the song "Sadeness" was, "Really? Seriously?" She is mean, though. And she doesn't know about me blasting Enigma once while a repairman was visiting our house in Virginia Beach, to the point where he stopped my mom and said, "What is that chanting stuff up stairs? It's pretty good." See that? "It's pretty good," this possibly apocryphal repairman said. Anyway, I am not ashamed of Enigma. Half of the lyrics are in French, which is classy. Look:
(Also, what is the guy in the video writing with his quill pen? Is it the lyrics? A love letter? He's very sad around the 30 second mark. Or he died.)
Wait, hold on! I thought of an even better Korean example of shameful excellence. It's called "Summer Dance" (your first sign), features every SM Town star (your second sign), and goes a little bit like this:
Wooooooow. I don't have the time to walk you through that one, but I guess I feel slightly embarrassed by how awesome I still find it, even now. If you need some help, just watch the serious faces the "tough" stars make. Also, think about the rapping. Have they listened to any late 80s rap? And listened poorly?
In the end, I have almost no musical shame. I love Rent and Chess (oops, a little ashamed of that one -- except that this is exactly what I imagine Bangkok was like for Justin in every way); I also love NWA and Bushwick Bill.
(Note: You lost to Bushwick Bill.)
I love Backstreet Boys and Korn on the same mix. (My wife also mocked me for Korn, but she's mean.) I love this song from A Goofy Movie, because it is the best song you have heard today:
The point isn't that any of that is bad. (All of it is the best.) It's simply that there are reasons for me to be ashamed of all of it, and I'm not, really, except maybe for Chess.
My real musical shames, then, are specific. I'm going with what John wrote, which I'll paraphrase by saying that when the song comes on, I am transported away and need to be alone with it. It doesn't matter if my wife is incredulous at my joy (she is). You might also identify these by asking: If any of my students ever knew that I loved the song, would I no longer be able to teach, having lost any and all respect I had once gained in the classroom? Also, would I be fired?
To a lesser extent, I don't know what to do about my love for pop country music. Shania Twain is probably too Mutt Lange to count. He makes everything good, unless you're my wife, who doesn't seem to realize how awesome this song is:
Are you kidding?
"Gunpowder and Lead," however, by Miranda Lambert, has no Mutt Lange to be seen. Cat and I discovered that recently while driving through the South, and what do you know about country music? It is so good. (I can't find a real video for the song, but you just need to hear it to appreciate it.) I love the lyrics to this song.
But I don't love that song enough to be ashamed of it. I never played it every hour or so while on my honeymoon, for instance, or put it on four consecutive mix CDs made in the same day, just in case I couldn't wait long enough to change CDs to hear it.
I can't explain this one, so it's kind of embarrassing. I just really, really like it. Not as much as my TRUE secret shame, but a lot. (And "Gunpowder and Lead" is growing on me. Do I just love country/pop songs about visiting horrible violence on philandering/abusive men? What does that reveal about me? Probably something less embarrassing than what might be revealed by the next song...)
Okay, then! What's the only thing I love so deeply that it qualifies for all-time secret shame? What is so embarrassing on every level that it also makes me kind of proud, because, seriously, what happened? What am I doing?
(Sorry, it's also impossible to find an embeddable copy of that one. Maybe somebody else recognizes the latent hit potential of it!)
A couple of things here:
1) I was 20 when this song came out. 2) I love this song. 3) I don't know that I want to love this song, but I can't help it. 4) I sing this song when it's on.
My sister once took video of the ground just so she could record the audio of me singing this in an adjacent room. In the video, you can hear me missing the high notes but going for it anyway. And the camera is shaking with suppressed laughter as Charlotte tries not to give away her position, knowing that I would be embarrassed enough to stop.
I don't think I had seen the video for this Hoku song since it came out (on Disney?), which means that I must have heard it, known it was a lifetime love, and committed to breaking it out on mix CDs every few months.
Palate cleanser:
Now my only shame is what I'm doing to the planet that Michael Jackson loves. PS: If he hadn't waited until 2:37 to give you those drums and that bass (!), you would have no chance of making it through all seven minutes of this song. Do you see him collapsing in the video? Your mind/ears couldn't take it.
(If you can't understand Sebastian Bach, who seems truly broken up about what happened to Ricky by the end, you can get the lyrics here.)
First of all, Ricky looks like he was awesome to hang out with. Second of all, the scenes where Ricky is shooting bottles -- even in the air! -- are just as incredible as I remember.
Sorry that it has been so long since we last updated. Shortly after the husband's last day of school, we set off on a leisurely jaunt to North Carolina. We planned to stop in Roanoke for the evening, giving us plenty of time to take random exits and stop whenever we needed to. One of our stops led to us to Gamestop, where Marcus purchased many games for Justin's long awaited return. Later, we stopped at a vineyard in the Shenandoah Valley for our first wine tasting. The woman helping us was really sweet, and we purchased bottles of wine for all the people we would be visiting with on our two week-long journey.
On our way back to the highway from the vineyard (after sitting in our car for a good twenty minutes eating rice cakes, waiting for the buzz to wear off), we saw an improbable sight in the parking lot of the CVS. The one, the only Pikachu Car!!! Marcus flipped out with joy. Apparently there is someone else in the world who wanted that car as much as he did when it was being offered as a prize in a contest. When we got back on the highway, and we were chatting about the awesome twist of fate that this car not only existed but had been in our same location at the same time, it whizzed past us!
I sped up to follow him, and Marcus was able to get this photograph (hopefully without the driver of the car feeling like he was being tailgated). The license plate "LVL 100" got him really hard. But how is that design for a car? Can he drive it around without it being vandalized?
The rest of our drive to NC was much less eventful.
We stayed with my parents, visited with Josh and Heidi, and hung out at Lee and Katie's quite a bit. On the 4th of July, we picked up Jenny and Reagan early in the morning so that they could go to the Kernersville parade with Zoe. All the girls were incredibly well-behaved, and they racked up huge bags full of candy. Here are some of the shining examples of how to celebrate in Kernersville:
After the parade, the girls had a fashion show and played on the Slip'n'Slide at my parents' house. Mid-afternoon, we went back to Lee and Katie's and played with fireworks. I've never seen Marcus more giddy.
We left the next morning for Nashville. En route, we stopped to buy more fireworks (for Justin's return and next year's 4th of July). That evening, we stopped for dinner at Marcus' friend Lauren's house. It was my first time meeting Lauren and her husband, Hank, but they made us feel comfortable immediately. Their little girl, Lottie, was beautiful and healthy. She was a smart and happy baby. It made us want to have bobbins of our own, but there is no time for that, right now.
After visiting Lauren and Hank, we headed down to Mississippi to visit Marcus' mom. It was great to see her, even if Mississippi is the hottest place on earth, plagued by mosquitoes. There was a little guest house where we stayed, and the property was absolutely gorgeous. The county where Josie lives is extremely poor, and while the farms were beautiful, the shacks and broken down trailers really brought home the fact that there are people in our own country who live below poverty level. Living in Westchester County, we don't see that very often. It motivated us to continue to work to help other people. It was great to see Josie and her new dog, Buck, who is one of the biggest dogs that I have ever seen. And as Marcus would want me to point out with this picture that I took-- we had a sighting of Bigfoot. On the way back from Mississippi, we stopped two nights to break up the long drive. We bought more fireworks and drove through both of the towns where we were born (Crossville, TN and Pulaski, VA). By the end of the trip, after I had been driving 7 to 9 hours a day for 6 days, my nerves were shot (as it had been raining pretty much every day, and Marcus doesn't do well in the rain). In the final hours of the drive, we hit a ton of traffic, which led to me screaming obscenities and flying the bird to every other car we passed. It was a fun day. But, now we are home, and though we have no air conditioning, it is good to be back in our apartment. We are looking forward to seeing Justin this week some time, and we plan to go back to NC to visit Lee and Katie again while Charlotte is there. Hopefully, I won't have to drive...
I just got an email telling me about an attempt to leave a comment on one of the very first posts on this ridiculous little blog: the one about animals that are not real animals. Two comments, actually:
Yeah, pandas are not real all right. That's just a lot of hungry people chowing down on thousands of pounds of bamboo each year. They must really need their fiber or something. I mean talk about keeping a hoax going, they must have a real great fan base. It's amazing that they have had enough volunteers to walk around in panda suits for the last ohh.... 1,000 years or so. That right there is total committment. I mean it's a good thing stupid people like you are about one in a billion. I can't imagine what the world would be like if someone like you was running it.
Okay, then:
1) fluffybunny? 2) Are you kidding?
But he (she?) wasn't done. Almost immediately, he realized there was more I didn't know about pandas:
Yeah that's right. That there is just a person in a panda suit chowing down on some yummy bamboo. I mean they must really like bamboo, eating about 1,000 pounds a year to keep this hoax going. Talk about devotion. They must really need some serious fiber to be keeping up with this gig. Not to mention they are an icredibly loyal fanbase. To think that they have kept this thing going for ohh... what's it been like a thousand years or more. Let me tell you I can't believe the condition these suits are in. I mean they are like pristine. You'd think they would be hanging on by threads. The is just completely unbelievable that you have crack the case on this whole panda thing. Whoa talk about one smart cookie. Thank you for showing me the light on this one buddy.
Seriously? You got me.
Now, in my excitement over fluffybunny, I went to the post about animals and found four more comments from people who have never experienced irony. Here's the first gem:
Yes! That one does make more sense! Also, what happened in that one minute, kiki? Did you re-read the post about animals that aren't real animals and decide that you'd had it with people calling pandas not-real? And you were by God going to let me know that I am an ass in the vagina. I can have no comeback to that.
Except that here is your blog and yes, you have done it. You have made all the dreams come true. Everyone's. Walking on Sunshine. Yes.
stupid nerds....that panda cant be a person in a suit the eyes are too spread apart and the baby panda has no remote behind it....stop being jerks....i do agree with the fox or wolf or whatever cuz it looks like a statue....stupid idiots
I like so much that it was the lack of remote that cleared up the baby panda for lolnerds. Almost as much as I like the agreement that the Tibetan fox is not real. Clearly, the baby panda is the not-realest. And the guy in the panda suit just has a hard time seeing through the eyes that are too spread apart; that's why pandas move around so infrequently. lolnerds! Come on!
Today is my birthday (which is exciting), but I just found out that my grandfather is dying. So Marcus and I will be flying out to Oklahoma in the next week or two. Please keep us (and our family on my dad's side) in your thoughts... We are extremely lucky to have such a close knit and supportive family and circle of friends. We love you all very much.
Well, I think we are doing a fantastic job updating this thing. Sometimes, isn't everybody like, "Please! No more minutiae! Take a break already!" They are!
#2: This girl is obviously a different kind of retarded, but she's not the fringe aberration we'd both wish for; she's a new breed of ignorant, entitled idiots who can't figure out why a dress like this would keep her out of prom. (Sorry, no links for that -- just a growing list of anecdotes from my daily teaching!)
#3: And exactly when did the term MILF become mainstream? I guess I don't care if 30 Rock wants to parody it, because they got it: It's demeaning to women. Way to go, Jodi Lipper and Cerina Vincent. Way to retard women some more.
Today I discovered a mix CD in the car with "Christmas?" written on it. That's it, just "Christmas?" in my handwriting. We threw it in the CD player while we were driving around, and pretty soon I realized that, while I have no memory of making this CD, it might be the best one I ever put together.
Here is a screenshot of the iTunes playlist, which we put together as soon as we got home:
Crazy -- I guess this is why it was a "Christmas?" album. Clearly Crazy is a Christmas song, just not in the usual way. When this song starts, by the way, your butt always clenches a little bit, because you know you're about to get punched in your intestines with feelings. Seal's feelings.
Tear in Your Hand -- Tori Amos has never had a unique way of pronouncing all of her words. "Unique" meaning "these are no longer words."
Stranger in Moscow -- Every time I stumble across an unlabeled mix CD, there's a good chance this song is on it. And I know it's there when a track has no sound for 25 seconds. Michael Jackson needed 25 seconds to relax before starting on the most epic description of existential isolation ever committed to song. Think about it: "Stalin's tomb won't let me be." Only that line has six or seven extra syllables in it. Syllables of feeling.
Gz and Hustlas -- I like to play these songs around my wife and remind her that I grew up on gangsta rap. When a line like "How many hos in '94 will I be banging?" comes up, and I am delivering it right along with Snoop, I like to imagine what thoughts are going through her head. Because I know they are love thoughts.
Sea Lion -- I just wish Sage Francis was good at his job. This is garbage.
Be Our Guest -- Because this is the logical follow-up to Snoop and Sage Francis. And the logical precursor to Italian pop. And because everything about Beauty and the Beast is awesome, especially Lee's favorite line, which happens at 4:28 below (although there's a sync problem with the audio): Gaston's incredible delivery of "Please let me through!" Gaston delivers every line in a way that I can't believe.
(My favorite part is at 2:30, when Belle sings about her favorite part. Because I am sometimes a 12-year-old girl. Wait, what?)
Una Favola -- This is a pretty song with a pretty video.
Daedel's Organ -- What do you know about looping a minute of music into a 60-minute mix CD, Justin? And it being the single greatest mix CD ever? I want so badly to have this be my ringtone, but I can't figure it out. So I just sing it whenever the phone rings.
There are some winners after that, but basically:
Sitting on the Dock of the Bay -- This is the greatest song on the CD, actually, after Daedel's Organ (and maybe the FFIV music). Seriously, Otis Redding? Did you mean any of this?
Crazy on You -- Here's the thing: You might think that James Brown is the winner of emotion, or that Seal is, but they both lose to Heart. Nancy Wilson? That guitar? Your sister's voice? Also, whatever this song is about, I want it to happen to me. Because I don't think we're dealing with hyperbole -- I think we are dealing with literal crazy happening on some guy, and it's the preposition that got it done -- "on"? Not "for" or "with" or "into" -- so something's being done on this guy, or to this guy, and after that guitar work, the answer is yes.
what a dumbass mother fucking liar! i know that u dont like them and u ppl to shoot them!