Rebuking rebuttal.

I must concede that Meatloaf did pose good competition with "I Would Do Anything for Love," but really. Can you top these two at once? A one-two punch. A duo of women who have brought us some of the cheesiest power ballads of all time.



What happened to divas?



And of course Mariah Carey's Hero

Rebuttal.

I admit that it is nearly impossible to call, but in the end, how does Meatloaf not win? Even against Celine Dion. Look:



This is exactly how Cat and I met, except without all the lesbians (and the subsequent mirror-breaking), but definitely with the me being a monster and then there being a police detective in glasses and then we were riding off into the sunset. Also, however old I was when I first saw this, all I remembered was the lesbians. So awesome.

But then there's Meatloaf covering Celine Dion. So I guess he answered the bell:



Just kidding. That is the worst.

Importanter update!

Seriously, if you want a for real power ballad:

Celine Dion -- It's All Coming Back to Me Now.

Curse youtube for disabling embedding of Celine Dion. But I promise you it is worth it. It's got explosions, ghosts, storms, flashes of light. She is the unbeatable winner of my heart.

Important update!

Seriously, everybody, quick:

Oh baby, oh baby

Okay, I think that most girls have a short list of women for whom they would immediately become a lesbian.

Meet my number 1:



I mean, come ON! Those breasts--incredible!

Not to mention is she is not a bad little actress.



Plus, she was Saffron. Who wouldn't want to marry Saffron?



Christina, baby, any time, any place. Call me.

Fly a fantasy.

Excuse me, sir?

Cat and I just watched The NeverEnding Story, which I have just discovered is my favorite movie of all time, supplanting The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. You just can't beat something I first saw when I was five years old, Peter Jackson. I'm sorry.

I made sure Cat appreciated some of the better touches -- Bastian taking the attic key from its broken holder, Charlotte's cameo as Morla, the Ancient One -- and I also showed her the video for Limahl's "NeverEnding Story."

You have to watch it. Embedding has been disabled by request, which hasn't stopped 1.5 million people from watching this, so get to it. And then pay attention when it hits the 2:00 mark, because that's when magic happens. That image capture at the top of this post? That's the face Limahl makes while singing the chorus. Why is Limahl making an orgasmic/heroin face? Except kind of bored? Who's the woman in the background? How is this the best video you've ever seen?

Live-blogging the evening: Part 9.

I'm searching for the perfect feeling...

Whoops. I passed out, missed most of Camp Rock, and now have a raging headache. Good thing that catching the first ten minutes and the last ten minutes of the movie are enough to provide the entire plot.

Also, Demi Lovato? No more dancing for you. Maybe I can't tell through the fog of my epic fail, but you and dancing are a no.

Live-blogging the evening: Part 8.

Are you serious, Jonas #3?

Let's go! Camp Rock! First, I plan on not learning how to differentiate the Jonas Brothers other than by arbitrary distinctions, such as which one is the gayest or the worst. In fact, I plan on treating this as a massive comparative experiment: Who is gayer, the Gay Jonas Brother or Zac Efron? (Just kidding, everybody. Zac Efron will never be topped.)

So far, I have no idea what the plot is. I failed at processing the beginning of the movie, so I'm now joining it as whats-her-name shows up at Camp Rock. There is a lot of screaming.

Cat and Juila were just having an argument with me about who's prettier: Vanessa Hudgens or Demi Lovato. At first, I was pretty much ready to fight about the fact that Vanessa Hudgens is a troll and Demi Lovato is cute. Then I realized that I'm 28 and what the hell am I doing? Also, music has finally started:



I feel like I'm watching Fame, but it's not as good.

Live-blogging the evening: Part 7.

We've now watched this scene three or four times in a row. It is the most incredible scene in the history of movies. If you gave me two years and a hundred thousand dollars, I might be able to break it down for you, but right now? Whew. I'll do my best.

You have this:



Which is more incredible in motion than here, even with the incredible fey thing his hands are doing. Toward the end, he also spins and jumps by some water:



Again, the still doesn't do it justice. Just remember that this is his angst-ridden, tough-guy song. This is it. Spinning in midair.

But the moment that shattered my belief that I could ever blog about this scene effectively is right here:



He is talking to his reflection. His face looks like this, and it is incredible. You are the better man, High School Musical 2. I concede.

BONUS: The Internet wins. While looking for pictures of Vigo, I found someone's opus, and here it is. You're welcome.

Live-blogging the evening: Part 6.

At this point, I feel like I've fallen asleep and am now dreaming one of my surreal dreams. Are they really in the pool? Is this what a date is like? Should I be taking Catherine to the pool and pretending to be a gay guy pretending to be straight? Romance is so confusing.

Whoa. I think I did fall asleep for a little bit. I will make it to Camp Rock, but it's safe to say that HSM2 is not holding my interest.

Live-blogging the evening: Part 5.

We're up to "The Music In Me," and all I can see (vaguely -- so many mudslides!) is that Kelsi is so alone. The gay kid and his ineptly lip-synching beard are making out in front of her TOTES UNINVITED (I am saying totes for the evening), and she's all alone. I would make you feel less alone, Kelsi.


Damn you, Troy, you know you're just leading Gabrielle on

It totally sucks to be the third wheel. Sorry. I mean that it totes sucks to be the third wheel.

Live-blogging the evening: Part 4.

And we are go on High School Musical 2. Gabriella still can't lip-synch (or sing), Troy is still gay, and I am fixing another blended explosion of whatever we bought today at the store.

Let's talk about Ms. Darbus, though (and I did have to look that up at IMDB, no worries):



There is not a high school teacher in this world who is not more excited than the kids for that last bell. We are salivating over it. But in movies, teachers take on one of three stereotypes:

1. The iconoclastic teacher who strives to inspire and huarargh vomit sounds. Robin Williams is the worst. Dead Poets Society is ass. No teaching is like this. I get that you make students and (dumb) teachers feel like they can make kids love learning. IT'S JUST THAT YOU'D MAKE A BETTER FOOL FOR SATAN, ROBIN WILLIAMS:



Shut your face, Robin Williams.

2. The young, inspirational teacher who is probably banging one of the students. They love this one on teen dramas. Because none of us is capable of being professional, you know. Mostly, we just go ahead and teach some children how to sin. All you have to do is smoke, get drunk or better yet, give illegal drugs or alcohol to under-aged children. Cheat, gamble, gossip, and live being as selfish as possible. Do all of this in the presence of children and they will do it too. Kids are like that.

3. Then there's Ms. Darbus, who is oblivious and/or inept. The teacher who can't relate, won't relate, stumbles around like a retarded person (oops), and so on. So nice, Hollywood!

Oh, and there's a fourth -- the super-mean teacher who abuses kids "in order to teach them." (Who am I quoting?) That's me, except I don't teach them anything. Except to be quiet when I'm reading the paper or napping.

Wait, there's a fifth type (don't give up on it; wait about 1:30 for the insanely long intro to yield SOLID GOLD):



True story.

Live-blogging the evening: Part 3.

IT'S JUST THAT YOU'D MAKE A BETTER FOOL FOR CHRIST.

I can't find pictures of Zac Efron in the amazing all-denim outfit he wore to "woo" Gabriella, even though that outfit alone made this movie night worth it. (Also, the vodka helps.)

But I found this: High School Musical fan fiction.

Three years ago, I lived next door to a woman who wrote fan fiction for a living. She said she was part of a massive InuYasha fan-fic site, and people paid her to write things. I couldn't believe it then, and I feel bad about this now, but seriously:

Story Ideas:

1 Click Here:Gabriella Montez is a new student at east high. While she is there, she keeps an online private blog and writes about every new person she meets. What happens when her blog gets leaked to the entire student body and everyon starts to hate her? (troyella)~complete

2 Summer Love: Gabriella Montez's family has a landscaping bussiness. When her family recieves a new client, will Gabriella find love? More importantly, will her brothers allow it?~complete

3 Message Sent:Troy Bolton meets a friend online. Thinking that this person is no more than a penpal, he tells them all of his secrets and thoughts. What happens when this person is closer than he thinks? What will become of the friendship? More importantly, will he ever find out who the person is?~ sequel to Click Here~Complete

That just happened! (PS: Troy's secret thoughts are about boys.) Someone really meant that -- and dozens more stories -- and then, just when I was feeling a little guilty for picking on someone for his or her love of High School Musical... I found this:

A LETTER TO YOU FROM SATAN:

That's right. A LETTER TO YOU FROM SATAN. Exactly what you would expect next to HSM fan fiction. A couple of highlights:

Thanks to you, I'm really showing Him who's boss in your life with all of the good times we've had.We have been... watching dirty movies, cursing people out, stealing, lying, being hypocritical, overeating, telling dirty jokes, gossiping, being judgmental, back stabbing people, dis-respecting adults, and those in leadership positions. No respect for the Church, bad attitudes.

Hey! I like all of those things, too! But this is really worth the time for this part, which is now my motto:

So go ahead and teach some children how to sin.All you have to do is smoke, get drunk or better yet, give illegal drugs or alcohol to under-aged children. Cheat, gamble, gossip, and live being as selfish as possible. Do all of this in the presence of children and they will do it too. Kids are like that.

Kids are like that. Got me.

And then there's the closing, which is how I now plan on signing every email, personal or professional, from now on:

Don't get me wrong, I still hate you.

IT'S JUST THAT YOU'D MAKE A BETTER FOOL FOR CHRIST.

P.S. If you love me, you won't share this.

"If you love me, you won't share this." Satan is the champ.

Live-blogging the evening: Part 2.

Oh my.

What is the appeal of Ashley Tisdale? Her head is enormous. It's mesmerizing. Also, her voice is completely inside of her nose. She sounds like Keith Sweat, only I don't like her, and I love Keith Sweat.

Voila:



Keith Sweat is my husband.

Also, I have to admit that Troy and Gabriella have the best sight-reading abilities I have ever seen. They are fantastic. And with perfect pitch.

Still, I have no trouble suspending my disbelief for that kind of thing. Or for the fact that Troy has no other outlet for singing -- no bands, for instance -- other than theater. I can't, however, suspend my disbelief to accept that Zac Efron likes a girl. He doesn't. He likes boys.

Look, I know that this is old news. But are you going to hate on somebody who discovers The Beatles (or even a band I don't think is horribly over-rated) for not having heard of them before? That's what this is. Zac Efron's attempt to play straight is the acting equivalent of The Beatles. If The Beatles were this.

I'm just kidding. That was the best thing.

Live-blogging the evening.

My goodness.

The evening's entertainment:

Vodka
Godiva chocolate liqueur
Bailey's Irish Creme
Cosmopolitan mix
Mike's Hard Lemonade
"Hint of Lime" Tostitos (declicious crack)
Hummus
Brie and crackers
Pizza
High School Musical
High School Musical 2
Camp Rock

HOW CAN YOU KEEP UP WITH THAT.

Five minutes into High School Musical, I have two thoughts:

1. I can't believe that Cat and I had a date night to watch the premiere for which we cooked a lavish meal and had wine like we were seeing the opera.

2. Zac Efron is actually the gayest boy. Just watching him is confusing my sexuality, but not in the good way that Hyde does. Seriously, if you Google "Zac Efron," the second most popular search, after "Zac Efron," is "Zac Efron gay." Google proves it.


Hyde is an angel who came down to Earth to sing.

Also, how is this acting? I mean "acting"? So good. Like a clinic in acting.

Collecting it all in one place.

You sexy beast, you

Let's see:

Direct connection to corrupt Senator? Check.

Abuse of political power? Check. And double-check.

Failure to get her 17-year-old not to follow the whole "abstinence only" thing? Check.

Decent odds that's just a cover for an even more f-ed up story? Check.

Direct connection to insane, secessionist group? Check.

Insane belief that Creationism belongs in school? Check.

Evidence of being borderline retarded about American history? Check.

Wowsers, kids. It doesn't even matter who's pregnant with whom. This girl is a complete disaster, and I think this is least someone has ever been vetted for any job in the history of time. I am obsessed.