I'm rape-er-iffic!

Hi! I'm the movie Crank. I am an 87-minute action romp starring Jason Statham. I have 61% positive rating on RottenTomatoes.com, where critics like Owen Glieberman call me "stylish" and invite viewers to "just enjoy the ride." I enjoy hating women, but so does everyone in the cast. Do you like half-naked women in plastic bubbles on the side of a penthouse rooftop like decorations? I have that! How about rape that turns into enjoyable sex? Sure! Fellatio during a car chase? Don't worry -- the woman loves it! It's all okay, because right at the very end, I grasp for a moral center. That excuses not just the incessant, untempered misogyny (I have some dialogue during the climax that suggests that being called "somebody's bitch" is worth murdering everyone on a rooftop!) but the racism (aren't all Middle Eastern cab drivers in al Qaeda?) and homophobia (try to count how many insults involve the word "faggot" or references to gay sex!). All it takes is Jason Statham saying that he's sorry he didn't stop and smell the roses as he falls to his death from a plane in a CGI sequence as thrilling and believable as his girlfriend's realization 30 minutes earlier that she did want to be forced to have sex in front of a busload of Japanese schoolgirls -- who, of course, I show marveling at how "masculine" and "magnum" Jason Statham was! (All Japanese schoolgirls want a big American to force them to have sex!) Oh, and did I mention the black drug dealer? Or the Hispanic transvestite? Those are some of my most fully realized characters! You should also know that I feature plenty of innovative direction: everything from slowing down the film (when Jason Statham is tired!) to speeding up the film (when Jason Statham is being serviced during a 100 MPH car chase!). So give me a call! I'll give you everything you wanted in a film -- just as long as you are a 13-year-old boy with no soul or conscience of any kind!