Learning to love what ya got.

Well, not what we got. What celebrities got. And we're not going to have time tonight to discuss everything, or to put any more words in italics. So no discussion of this useless woman, despite how much she might fit the conversation, or of Miley Cyrus, who unfortunately did show up to the Oscars still looking pretty much like this. (Not sure how that fits the discussion, but I can't get over how Miley Cyrus looks in every photo.) No discussion of how Daniel Day-Lewis has the best facial structure in the world, as well as the worst taste in clothing, although his pictures on Getty Images (that's for the Oscars) are as awesome as always.

We really just have time for two things: Viggo Mortensen's beard and Christina Aguilera's breasts.

First, the beard, from tonight's Oscars:



That is the hottest beard a man has ever grown. It just might be. It's nearly flawless. Look at it again:




It has no flaws. And the amazing thing is that when he played the greatest character in the history of the world -- not in literature, because it was literally the history of this world -- he didn't grow this. He could have grown this beard. Instead, he grew this:




Good thing Peter Jackson didn't ruin anything else about the character, huh? Ha ha ha *cough* *choke* *stab*

Next, breasts! See, Christina Aguilera had a baby recently. It doesn't matter anymore what she used to look like, or even that she was pretty chesty as a pregnant woman, because now she looks like this:



And if you don't have time to watch the whole thing, there are pictures all over the Internet right now, because no one can believe she pulled those out:




It is not physically possible for a woman to be that petite -- and she is roughly four feet tall -- and have breasts that engorged. ("Engorged" is Catherine's word, so it's okay. She says, "They look like they're about to explode.")

So the moral here? Marcus wishes he had that beard and Catherine wishes she had those breasts so very badly that it hurts.